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Sunday, September 11, 2011

Love Me Two Times

Here's an aside about what I was going through in Japan. I found a slip of paper stuffed into my diary, and it could have been written at any time within the first two years of my life living in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. I've edited it a bit.

Why is it that I keep on getting women with self-destructive personalities chasing after me?

I effing hate it.

Is it because I'm the some-what nice stable guy with a good sense of humour who seems to have it going all around me? Wow... if they only knew. But then, maybe I would have it all together if it wasn't for them. Yeah... probably.

I have never really chased a woman in my life. I have lusted after them - sure. That's what being a hetero-sexual guy is all about. It's part of the genetic make-up. I've always, at least since arriving here in Japan, pretty much just sat back and let the chips fall where they may.

I wonder why I was so infatuated with Ashley. She was my first girlfriend here in Japan... and we met on our second day in Tokyo, Japan arriving in late July of 1990 - she from Augusta, Georgia, USA and me from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. She was 21, me 25. I was a virgin.

Not from lack of trying, mind you... or perhaps it was a lack of trying. I was always too damn shy to talk to women, let alone ask them out. The ones I did ask out were already my friend by then... a useless, no-win situation. Guys... if you are friends with a woman, but you want more, that's a tough road to travel. It can be done, but is it worth the hassle?

Guys usually want convenience... we'll take what is around us, unless something better comes along.

It's the only explanation I can come up with for not making a play for Kristine. Ahhh, Kristine. I met her essentially my first day in Japan. I was walking through the lobby of the atrium, when this ultra sexy kitten sitting on a couch with a pair of crutches beside her and her ankle all bandaged up shouted out to me as I passed by.

"Hey! Hi!" she said. I replied in kind, probably a tad stunned that someone as pretty as her would deign acknowledge my existence let alone start up a conversation with me.

She was/is pretty, smart and has a wicked sense of humour. She was a take-charge type of person, and having always been shy my entire life (despite having been a journalist for the Toronto Star newspaper - that was work, so it was different, I guess), I was only too glad to accept her invite to join her and her group for a look around Tokyo.

To be honest, I was actually very afraid to leave the hotel by myself... I was just going to look around the lobby and perhaps peer out the front doors to see what Tokyo was like. I had/have no concept of how to speak the language and didn't know what to expect from the Japanese. But that first adventure out with Kristine and the rest of her Kinki block kids... well, it pretty much set the table as far as what Japan and the Japanese were like.
Briefly, because I did write about it once before: HERE - we went out, got lost, saw a soapland massage parlour, saw a transvestite call out to us, nearly died (me, anyways) and then were led back to our hotel by a very nice Japanese businessman who went completely out of his for several kilometers to lead us back to our hotel.

Sex, death and kindness.

Kristine, unfortunately, lives 500 kilometers west of me. the distance is not conducive to having a relationship... because despite wanting sex, I also wanted a relationship. I'm pretty sure I could have got both from my special K, but circumstances of distance dictated otherwise.

That left Ashley... again, I have no idea why she felt the need to hook up with me that second evening, as all of the new assistant English teachers (AETs) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme got together for the first time with some of the returnees... but she did. It was her lead. I just followed.

I've always been a kind of go-with-the-flow kind of guy, much to my chagrin. I'm envious of those leader types.

People seem to think I'm a leader here because I am outspoken, everybody here in Ohtawara seems to really like me, I make friends easily despite not knowing how to speak the language, and also because I actually give a crap about what is going on in people's life--both the Japanese and us, gaijin (foreigners). I try to put people at ease. I try and listen to people and offer advice. It might not be the right advice, but at least I offer some and try to help.

You wouldn't believe how many female teachers I have had personal one-on-one conversations with since I arrived! It's like when I showed my shock at how much this place is a male-dominated society... that first day at my OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) office or my first day at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School)... I was politely asked by a woman if I wanted a cup of o-cha... green tea.

I had learned very early on before leaving Toronto that it's impolite to reject hospitality in Japan. I had already tasted o-cha, and wasn't overly impressed by it. Still, every day now for the past two years, I have had maybe six or seven cups of it a day. There are strong differences between the teas, as I am sure every place uses a different brand of green tea... and you know what, after about two days of seven cups a day, I started to like it, and would look forward to it... but here's my point.

It was only the female teachers or OBOE workers who would make the tea and serve it to the men. Ever. I went to help the women once, and was told by some of the male teachers not to. So I did it again the next day. That was when I gained the respect of every woman in that school.

I guess word spread like wildfire, because I soon had women--married and single--coming up to me to ask my advice about their sexist husband, boyfriend or how to find a man who wasn't a a sexist pig. I told some of them to look for a non-Japanese guy and pray he isn't a sexist pig.

Though I am of Indian descent (the dot, not the feather), I was born in London, England, and lived my life in Canada from the age of 3 to 25 before arriving here in this small little rice-field city of Ohtawara.

Indian men are pretty chauvinistic. The Brits were, though perhaps not this decade... and the Japanese men are... wow... what century is this? Despite my background, my parents raised me well. My folks shared everything. So, not every Indian is a sexist pig, because my dad sure as hell wasn't one.

Also... growing up in Canada, I've really only known what it is like to be a Canadian. I am Canadian. Though I think I am developing Japanese tendencies, as I often catch myself bowing in acquiesce while on the telephone. So... with good parenting and living in a much free-er society than most, I consider myself to not be a chauvinistic bastard. I certainly have never tried to take advantage of a woman, I'm pretty sure I never will.

But here... what the hell is going on? Now that I am out of those virgin doldrums - thanks Ashley! - I seem to draw women who are flawed. Needy. Unable to think outside of themselves to think about "us".

It really pisses me off.

The only time I did find a woman who thought about "us" was in Thailand, were two women dated me separately and together without jealousy or without any ulterior motive. It was go out, have fun together, share a few laughs, have physical contact - sex... it was no big deal... but let me tell you... it was a big deal.

Any guy who just wants sex is not a man. A real man wants it all: Go out, have fun together, share a few laughs, and then have physical contact... yes I just repeated myself, because it bears repeating.

Any man, or any woman for that matter, who just wants sex without any of the above... they are flawed.

Now... I admit that I have had sex with women without any of that other good stuff... but it was NEVER, ever by MY choice. Sure it takes two to Tango (three to form a Conga line, but only one to do the Twist), but when the flow of blood travels down from your brain to elsewhere and the woman is hot to trot, common sense tends not to prevail.

I'm talking about Japanese women and gaijin women.. each who have tried to get what they thought they wanted--sex--from me perhaps to validate their own pathetic existence.

But that's not what I am here on this planet for.

I am not here to validate you.

I am here to validate me... and despite liking sex a lot and being quite good at it, that's not the be-all and end-all for me.

I want - have always wanted to find the right person with whom I could be happy with the rest of my life.

I have chased after Ashley more than anyone else here because she was my first... and I suppose I feel some sort of stupid attachment to her.

But shy Shoko too afraid to come out and date me by herself... stalker chick, Junko who only wanted sex, sex and more sex... Karen who wants me for a boyfriend (tried to ingratiate herself with my mother--successfully), but I only want sex, and not her for a girlfriend, so we've not done anything yet... Cathy, who wanted to feel loved and thought by offering me sex would help her achieve that... and a host of others I have never mentioned to you before.

I think only Canadian girl Christine was the only one who had it together. She didn't want a relationship per se, but was confident in herself, and simply enjoyed sex... no strings attached. I messed that one up by allowing Ashley to come back to me.

I have never chased a woman... they have all chased after me, broken up with me and then got back with me.

I think it's because if you were stupid enough to let me go, I sure as hell am not going to chase after you. But, when you think you have your crap together and realize your life would be better with me included, then, if I am able, I might welcome you back.

I said might.

I'm getting older, and a tad wiser.

Maybe I should seriously start scoping out who I want to be with and maybe I should make the first move... that way I don't just have needy, psychotic women chasing after me.

Someone who is smart, charming, witty and beautiful.

Why can't I have it all? I have all of those characteristics, but via more masculine verbiage. I deserve it.

That's it! I'm going to do it.

Then I won't be such a miserable prick... at least that's how I feel internally. Poor Matthew. He's my buddy and fellow AET who lives here in Ohtawara with me, but teaches at the junior high schools outside of town. He puts up with my moody moods stoically and has done a great job of bringing me out of them. It's a pity I have allowed myself to slip back down whenever another woman tries to become involved in my life.

I'm not blaming the whole female species for me being less than happy internally. But there sure have been a lot of them. Why don't the non-needy ones chase me?

Maybe I should just forgo women for a while and just concentrate on enjoying Japan and Japan alone? That was why I originally came here, wasn't it? No... it was to get laid.

But, mission accomplished, by some 25+ different women. Not bad for a guy who had a girlfriend for a year and didn't cheat on her. Maybe I should be more like Canadian Christine... enjoy have sex when it's available but don't worry about it.

But you know what... when you haven't had sex until you were nearly 26... there's always that nagging feeling that the last time you had sex might actually BE the last time you have sex.

Somewhere, enjoying Japan for the first time--again,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by the Doors: MORRISONRULES!
PS: And you know what... I did do what I said I would do. I decided to forget about women for awhile, to spurn their advances, and not advance on them (not that I did). It took a little getting used to... but over the next little while, you will start to see a change in the way I started to live my life. You know what the only problem was? I developed a different type of stress.. one that only food could help.
PPS: Over the next little while: The rise of Andrew Joseph... which unfortunately means his stomach. But even that can't last. Nothing ever does with Andrew, he writes in the 3rd person narrative.
PPPS: So...I whine quite a bit in this entry. But that's okay. I'm sharing. I have nothing to hide. Nothing at all. I think it's time to start letting myself become more... me.

1 comment:

  1. "I have chased after Ashley more than anyone else here because she was my first... and I suppose I feel some sort of stupid attachment to her.È

    Bingo!

    ReplyDelete