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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Painted Ladies

I spent the rest of yesterday in das funk.

I had just kicked out the second woman I had ever loved - Junko - because she is, quite frankly, a bit of a psychopath. The problem for me is that she was also one of the hottest women I had ever seen - whether in a magazine or in real life, so letting go was very difficult.

Today... today is another day. It's Friday, December 20, 1991 and it's Ashley's 23rd birthday.

I'm 27 years-old myself, and Ashley was the first woman I ever loved.

I live in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan, and I'm a junior high school assistant English teacher (AET) on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme.

Ashley is a high school AET here in town, mostly at the boy's school. She lives in Nishinasuno-machi, a town about a 20 minute bike ride to the northwest.

Junko... she's originally from Utsunomiya, but I met her at Ohtawara Junior High School when she came up for a week to learn teaching methods. I'm unsure what teaching methods she learned, but after meeting her, I learned that for one week, neither of us needed sleep... just lots and lots of orange juice to replenish ourselves.

Man can not live on sex alone. He needs juice!

Ashley and I had broken up months earlier, though we were still sleeping with each other on occasion... mostly when ever she felt like it. Since I was never sure when that was, I would make a play for her every time I saw her. Hey! I make no excuses. I was a young and horny man (now I'm not as young), who lost his virginity to Ashley about 16 months earlier - about three weeks after we first arrived in Japan - she from Augusta, Georgia, and me from Toronto.

The very sexy Japanese woman named Junko, well... after our one-week fling, she decided that she really enjoyed the wild sex life I offered her, and began to stalk me rather than go back to University. She would hide out at my schools' parking lot wherever I was teaching, and - hell... she probably slept. Me? I sleepwalked through weeks of classes. Every night after work, and after my friends would either leave my apartment or stop telephoning, Junko would appear on my doorstep accompanied by a puff of smoke and apple blossom-scented shampoo that must have covered up the stench of sulphur and brimstone. She would knock on my door, I would let her in , and before either of us had said anything or the door had fully closed with a bang, she would move her arms outward and drop her clothes with a flourish. That was talent. I enjoyed the sex, but we never ever slept. We just screwed all night long. I was starting to go loopy from sleep deprivation and requested help from my Japanse co-workers to please stop her from screwing my brains out. She wouldn't leave me alone, and only wanted to have sex. God, that sounds so good to me right now. What the hell was wrong with 1991 Andrew? Oh yeah... the sleep deprivation. Anyhow, I begged Junko to give me a break, to go back to school, to have a few hours of sleep without screwing, but perhaps she just liked the fact that I could get it up, keep it up and had no more sperm left inside of me at all to get any one preggers. I had to have her removed from my life. And she was - taken away by strange comedic men I'm pretty sure I recognized despite their dark clothing and my astigmatism - and I watched them put her in the back seat and drive away to get some help. That's the five-yen version.

Hmm... I wonder if she bartered sex to let her go? Despite the Japanese men wanting to do a solid for me, they are Japanese men - married, so you know they are up for anything with a pair of tits...

We met a month later when I went to Utsunomiya University for some JET AET speech function.  I smelled her apple blossoms long before I saw her, and realized she had spotted me as well. That smile of her could have melted the ice caps. She now had a Japanese boyfriend, was back at school and seemed... sane? Except, after the 20 seconds of chit-chat, she was leading me to an empty classroom nearby so that we could screw our brains out. I never did hear anything about the JET speeches, because she had her tongue down my throat which apparently makes one deaf.


Days later.. Ashley came over to my apartment moments after Junko had left moments earlier in the morning. How she avoided detection I'll never know, but she was like a ninja. The only clue, a never-ceasing smell of apple blossoms and a trail of sexual destruction that also permeated the air. Ashley  guessed correctly from the taste of sex on my face that I had been sleeping with someone. Writing that sentence just now turned me on. Ashley did not seem to mind that I was moving on and screwing other women, as it probably meany she could be in my company without me pawing at her. Not likely. It's just sex. What's the big deal?

There... and that's what you missed - well... except for the part where Junko has a boyfriend, but I knew that, plus she has four pseudo-boyfriends who just buy her stuff. I just want Junko. I want her to be all mine, but she's having none of that, as she seems to know that you don't buy the cow if you're already getting the milk for free.

Moooo.

Her boyfriend is for appearances, and I'm the dirty little secret boyfriend she has that does all sorts of dirty, nasty things to her that other men have only read about in a Japanese comic book.

What pissed me off about Junko, however,  is that I took offense to her stringing along the four other guys who had no chance of being her boyfriend or screwing her. They were just being used. I thought that was wrong, wanted her to stop, was laughed at, and so I bid her adieu. I'm unsure if Junko's actions were ticking me off, or whether her laughing at me was the straw that broke the camel's back. I hate it when people make fun of me. It's a lack of respect, thing. Hunh. Twenty years later... I think I finally get it! Thank you blog!

Back to Ashley's birthday.

I cleaned my apartment up after moping around all day thinking that Junko was so freaking hot, and that I am an idiot who just should have kept his mouth shut and kept on screwing her - have my cake and eat it too... sometimes with my cake tied up.

When Ashley arrives at my place at 4PM immediately after school, I give her a hug and get ready to ride out to her place.

I have a birthday present for her, of course... and I give it to her at her apartment in Nishinasuno. She opens up her Girl's New Year's present - a music box. She loves it, and I get the first real kiss from her in weeks.

The two of us ride out to Nishinasuno-eki (train station) and hop a train to go down south to Utsunomiya where we are supposed to meet Karen, Lisa and Stephanie - all three are AETs on the JET Programme, and all are reasonably quiet, shy and nice, though Karen isn't as shy, and like me, probably puts on a good act.

Karen wants to screw me - but only if I am her boyfriend, but I just want to screw. I want to screw Stephanie, but she doesn't really like me. Lisa I think is hot, but she knows better than to get mixed up with a male slut like me, because while screwing is nice, she would probably end up screwed.

Anyhow... out with four women - three of whom don't really seem to care about me sexually - well, that's a bloody mistake. I feel like I don't belong - as usual.

I hate most of the other AETs. There's a few I like, and who like me right back, but most seem to only tolerate me or treat me with contempt because I'm not as serious as they are. Or as serious as our position in Japan seems to dictate we should be.

I think that is what galls them the most. By acting like I don't care, but at the same time showing friendship to all the Japanese, I am treated better by the Japanese that they ever will. You work hard, have fun and party hard. That's the Japanese way, and I'm all for that.

It's not just respect that I get...  I get their friendship, too. People also like my buddy Matthew, too - he gets it, and he is well liked by the natives here for being... what's the word... more Japanese. I don't know how a slender, 6'-3" strawberry blonde American can be so Japanese, but he pulls it off with aplomb. Work hard. Have fun. Party hard.

Back to the women. We go to German restaurant (I'm pretty sure the German's aren't world renowned when it comes to fine cuisine, but whatever - I like schnitzel and spetzla.. oh, and their beer!.. oh and their women!!). I assume the German restaurant was chosen because Ashley once lived in Salzburg, Austria for a year, and can speak German pretty well... in fact... she likes to softly repeat some German poem to me all the time.

You know what's scary? In 2012, my current wife hates me writing about Ashley because she believes the two of them look similar. My wife also likes to utter a German poem at me because she too once stayed in Salzburg, Austria for a while. I've never told my wife that, and since she doesn't read my blogs, she'll never know!

At the restaurant, Ashley leaves to go and phone AET David Livermore to come out and play, but he doesn't want to, which disappoints her. Ashley likes him. I'm a bit jealous of her interest in him and am actually glad he stays away. I think he asked for a head count and when he heard I was there - with my 'ex-girlfriend' - he shied away. He's pretty dull anyway, in looks and personality and Ash has probably chosen someone almost 180 degrees polar opposite of myself. Ego? You should have met this (yawn) (sorry) guy.  

I buy Ashley her dinner and drinks (not sure why, but I would do that for any woman I escorted out)... which seems to make Karen even more bitchy. Karen and Ashley like each other. But because Karen likes me, whenever I pop up in relation to Ashley, she gets all sketchy. Who could blame her? I mentioned to Ashley earlier that if I say anything mean to Karen that might upset the evening, to simply give me a look or kick me under the table.

I should have worn shin pads, because Ashley has clearly forgotten all about the look.

She and I catch the last train home to Nishinasuno...  I don't know about her, but I drank enough booze to kill a rhino. Fortunately, I'm not a rhino and seem to have a high tolerance for booze, but not bitchy women, which makes me want to drink more, which puts me over the edge.

I ride back to Ashley's. It's cold, blustery and I'm freezing. I ask Ashley if I can spend the night (because the alcohol has thinned my blood) because I am cold and so tired.

Ashley makes excuse after excuse, which does not escape me despite my level of intoxication. She finally relents with an "Oh... all right!!!" in a huffy manner.

Gee... with that type of attitude and invitation, I'd rather freeze my ass off riding home, and pretty much say just that.

As I leave, she wishes me a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

I say, "Yeah." and get on my bike and ride home.

I don't freeze because I am now madder than hell which warms my black thoughts and cockles.

Bitch.

Tomorrow will be better.

Somewhere with a limp,

Andrew Joseph    
I hate women tonight - and I never thought I would ever say that,
Today's blog title is sung by Ian Thomas, brother of the legendary Second City comedian Dave Thomas who is not related to the Dave Thomas who owns the Wendy's fast food restaurant chain. I was in the same high school as Dave Thomas' Second City alumni Catherine O'Hara, who was the mom in Home Alone and a loony in Beetlejuice and lots of other great movies. I don't hate Catherine O'Hara even though I'm sure she doesn't want to sleep with me either.


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