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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dammit Jim! I'm A Writer Not An Onani-ist!

Jim Paliouras is a fine upstanding young man nowadays.

Back when I knew him, he was as well, but he was young and full of naughty energy. We had much fun causing havoc whenever we got together, which sadly was not enough in my estimation... but for the people of Japan was probably too many times too many.

Jim is an Australian - still lives there - and contacted me a few months ago. I had looked him up and saw that he was a decent family man with a loving family. Good looking, still, but with neatly trimmed hair.

When I knew him back in 1992-93, Jim had just arrived in Japan, while I was starting my third year. Jim was going to work for the Karasuyama-machi Board of Education.

Jim had nice dark hair that was down to his shoulders. It sat perfectly on his lanky frame that hid the skill set of the best soccer player I have ever met. Watching his body uncoil from his skinny frame to slaughter a soccer ball was a thing of beauty. As good as I was a slid-tackling people, Jim was able to plaster a ball from center into the back of the net with speed, accuracy and ferocity. 

He was also one of the funniest gents I have ever met. Jim was - and perhaps is - anything but a stiff old bandit. He'll know what I mean by that.

One day - or evening while we were drinking together on yet another JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching Programme)-sponsored event in Tochigi-ken, we wandered around the streets passing by a serene temple.

Jim turned to me and wondered if these celibate monks masturbated and then made some disgusting sounds and performed some disgusting hand actions. Now by disgusting, I mean tremendously funny, because I laughed my ass off at his outrageous behavior.

Later when I sobered up, I wrote the following haiku - Japanese poem consisting of three lines of five, seven and five syllables - celebrating our wonderful and thought-provoking night of drinking.

So... with apologies to the 40-something-year-old Jim, I present the haiku I wrote in one go - absolutely perfectly - getting the count right the first time.

A small temple rests
Moonlight breathes life upon us
Jim spanks off... oooh, oooh.

Okay... I didn't create it perfectly in one go. I'm good, but I'm not that good!

Writers... back in the old days... they were every bit as dangerous as a digital camera and a You Tube account.

Cheers, good buddy. I guess it's almost Spring now!
Andrew Joseph
And... should you be wondering about the title... onani means masturbation... ergo an onani-ist is a masturbater... at least in my head. It is all a play on a Dr. Bones McCoy phrase from the original Star Trek series... with a nod of my head to Matthew and Ashley.
The headline lies, by the way.

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