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Saturday, December 8, 2012

Stupid Japanese Packaging

Take a good long look at the above photo.

It's for a box of BLACK condoms that was at one time marketed in Japan. I do not know if it is still being made and sold.

It doesn't matter though. What does matter is just how wrong the whole package is.

How many things on this package do you see that makes YOU cringe?

The name of the product for one. The crappy use of popular Black-sounding cool phrases in Japlish is another. The WTF is going on with the graphics thing is a beaut, too. There are other things wrong, specifically the fact that the company knows how to spell the word 'Black' - as evidenced by the name of the product, but can NOT spell 'black people' in the bottom right corner.

Brack people? WTF is that?

Did they mean 'Barack' (as in President Obama) and Black the color and created a new English word? No... I dare not give them that possibility. That would imply they are trying to be smart and failed miserably. Better to just presuppose they are not smart to begin with.

Surely there is at least one person in the branding department with a Japanese-English dictionary - a good one! Like I said... they spelled 'black' correctly when they named the product!!!

So... is the naked woman with her hand snaking down to her crotch supposed to be interested in having sex with the black panther the animal, or is the animal a bestial representation of the Black Panther activists that were a popular trend as early and as late as the 1960s? Again... do I think the manufacturers are smart or dumb?

Surely there is at least one person in the branding department who knows how to work Google?

The product is for condoms. For sale to the Japanese market. Now... there may be a few people out there who may know differently, but the packaging is saying you can screw your woman like a Black man, with the implication that being a Japanese guy isn't good enough. Size matters, and you don't measure up. Who the hell came up with the marketing for this?

Gaijin-san Bigu-bigu. Watashi su-maru.
Picture a Japanese guy saying in Japlish - half English and half Japanese: "Foreigners are big-big. I am small."

Dude... whatever. Now let me get you in on a little secret. Wearing a condom... any condom... is not going to make your penis look bigger. Although I did get an ego boost when my pharmacist Mr. Maniwa (now passed away, but he was once the biggest lovable pervert buddy one could have in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. Maybe I should rephrase that and say the biggest Japanese pervert buddy... which is saying a lot considering I knew so many.) sold me some Japanese condoms he swore would fit me.

Now... I'm your mostly average guy (and then some), but I had my doubts about this product.

So... getting ready to plow my girlfriend Ashley, I told her what I was doing... I opened the condom package, took the condom and tried to roll it down and around my you-know-what. I barely got it around the tip of the head when it went shooting off like the Coyote on yet another poorly planned attack on the Roadrunner thanks to the idiots at ACME.

Want  to know the best part?

It flew of my penis and smacked Ashley right in the face!

That's the first and only time I've ever had a woman laugh while I was naked. At least that's what I am telling you. Hey... I'm usually a very funny guy.

So... I learned that the average Japanese condom will not fit me. I felt huge. Huge-er than I have ever felt. Is huge-er a real word? Who cares? I was huge, dammit! Huge!

So... a few weeks later after I called my mother and had her send over more condoms for me and Ashley and whomever was in the way after she and I broke up and got back together again... I honestly took two breaths and blew up a 'Japanese' condom and a 'Canadian' condom. Ashley tied them up for me, because at that time, while she did not know I was adept at tying knots, I had zero skill in tying up balloons. I still can't.

So... I took a couple of photos of them sitting on my winter coat in my LDK (living room-dining-kitchen). Did you know that spermicide is tough to remove from velour? Now you know, too.

I've published this photo a few times previously, but at least this time you get more of the back story and a a new bit of background on how poorly the Japanese market products when catering to Japan's love affair with sex and English (teachers).

Oh well... stay reel, my homos - wheeze all barack obama people,

Somewhere if it doesn't fit, you must acquit,
Andrew Joseph

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