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Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Hot - Like A Demi-God On Fire

After first arriving in Japan back in late July of 1990, the world was my oyster.

It truly was.

I even like oysters - not that I need any boost from them, but because I like the flavor.

I was 25 years-old... coming off an unlikely successful tour as a reporter for the Toronto Star newspaper as my first job out of school... and also getting the opportunity to quit that job and take off to go to Japan to teach English as a junior high school AET (assistant English teacher) as part of the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme.

Even after seven years of post secondary education, I was leaving home for the for the first time, and I was scared.

I wasn't scared of Japan. Why would I be? Millions of Japanese people survive there - so could I.

I was, however, scared because of my own short-comings... perhaps the upbringing of a spoiled brat (without being a brat) whose mother and father enjoyed (I think) doing things to ensure their sons could have more time to study and do well at school.

Despite the free-time allotted me to study, I never did until my last two years at journalism school. I had floated through high school and university - somehow achieving enough success to graduate, though never to excel.

In fact... I am a poster boy for slackers. Never tried and still passed. Sucks, now that I think of all that wasted potential...

Even in Japan... because I had never been on my own, and never asked or made to do anything, I had no concept of how to cook, clean, do laundry, iron, shop... nothing... and here I was in Japan - a place where I couldn't ask for help... and was therefore pretty much left to figure things out for myself.

Oh sure... I could have asked my Ohtawara Board of Education office for help, but really, sometimes you just have to wade in and figure things out for yourself.

And I did. I spent two weeks damn near starving to death as it took me that long to figure out how to cook, where to buy food and then again, just what the hell it was that I was buying as I often had no clue what I was looking at at the grocery store. I did once accidentally purchase cold brown tea rather than chocolate milk.

If you are from North America, brown tea in those waxed paperboard containers that are usually reserved for milks and juices might come as a surprise to you when you pour the thing crap onto your Kellog's Corn Flakes. Talk about instant "awwwww crap".

But I figured it out. A grown man should not even have attempted to purchase chocolate milk for his cereal.

The same with women. In Japan—regardless of where they were from—the women sure did love this brand of hot chocolate.

I had never slept with a woman back in Toronto... but after three days in Japan, I could have slept with a couple. Instead... I ended up with a girl friend (I still adore)... and a girlfriend... an American girl from Georgia, named Ashley.

Now... I really cared for Ashley... she was the first woman to screw my brains out... and as such, being a loyal mofo, there wasn't anything I wouldn't have done for her.

But she confused me.

Maybe all women did... but I don't think so.

She and I would fight like cats and dogs over nothing... usually after I took offense at a slight... a lack of respect.

It comes from a lack of self-confidence, I suppose. Like... what did I do?

Then over-confidence, I suppose. Like... Nothing!!! What's her problem?

Hey... I'm not saying people needed to treat me like a king... but she was my girlfriend... when you come over, don't you give your boyfriend a hello kiss? Even just a quick peck on the lips?

When I wouldn't get one... it would fester inside me... until I exploded.... and I'm good at demolition.

I also have this neato ability to deaden my eyes—Ashley said—that made it look as though I thought the person I was looking at was a piece of garbage.

It's a talent. Or maybe it was just me being shocked and stunned and not less than a little amazed.

Dead-eyed dick or not, I was loyal. To a point.

Ashley first broke up with me into our third month in Japan, after she went to see a Japanese fortune teller (with her boss)... that quack told Ashley to "not be afraid to tell him you don't love him."

Okay... that's fine... so she breaks up with me.

(Begin demi-god mode)

Being a guy, I, the newly minted free man, go out and screw one of my cute teachers after a school party... upon arriving home, I get a call from a woman I met at an AET conference, asking if she could come over the next day and fug our brains out. When you meet someone as forward (and hot-looking as that), a guy like me was thankful he was single.

I don't even want to contemplate what I would have done if Ashley hadn't broken up with me just before... to be fair, Ashley actually broke up with me on the way to that AET conference, so I was free to prowl and had some fun in a sports locker room with the hot-looking and aggressive woman...

For me, the fun at this conference was watching Ashley's face when she saw this woman wearing my sweater.

I hook up with another AET from another Prefecture and have a wonderful time in my apartment.

Of course... on the third day I rise again only to find Ashley in my apartment wanting to make-up. Obviously, the fact that if a guy like me could get a hot-looking babe like I had at the conference to wear my sweater, perhaps Ashley made a mistake.

Or... maybe she realized she had made a mistake and that other woman had nothing to do with it.

No problem. Being a smart guy, I do not tell her about me screwing around with a couple of lovelies... why? We were broken up. But... her wearing my sweater? Ashley knew. It was never brought up.

Anyhow...this blog isn't about that. It's about how my now on-again girlfriend told me that while we were broken up, she burned all of the photos she had of me in her trashcan... nearly setting fire to her place.

Unlike my expensive three-bedroom luxury apartment built for a Japanese family or one gaijin man, hers was small... and had no fire extinguisher or smoke alarm.

Luckily she was able to douse it before things got out of hand.

The only damage was a trash can and all of those handsome photos of myself.

It was then that I knew that either I was some sort of demi-god who had this amazing power over women... who needed to perform witchcraft for them to try and forget me... or... she was a tortured soul who didn't know what she wanted and was afraid of what would happen if she got it.

I do take pleasure in knowing that someone tried to erase all memory of me by burning every vestige of myself... dumping all my gifts into the garbage... breaking up with me... getting the blessing of a fortune-teller... that she still couldn't get me out of her mind.

Look... I'm a simple guy with abnormal pleasures... I take my victories where I can find them... but still... I always wonder what-if...


Little did I know that that pattern would follow me around for the rest of my stay in Japan... and in life.

It makes me think that I may not actually be a demi-god after all. It's funny... the woman I met just before I met Ashley - Kristine - she told me that I seemed to attract strange women.

Kristine failed to see the irony of that comment considering I know that 20 years ago she would have slept with me given half a chance. (I have it in writing!)

K... it would have been awesome. And for you, too.

(End demi-god mode)

Anyhow... Andrew sure could pick'em... or was it they who picked me? I know I only ever asked one woman out while I was in Japan.

I'll get back into writing about some of adventures with my Japanese girlfriend Noboko soon enough.

(rolling eyes) It's always fun to write about oneself getting burned.

Cheers
Andrew Joseph

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