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Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife Couch Gag

How about something light for today...

Most regular readers know I was a virgin when I arrived in Japan - but not of my own choosing. I suppose I was ugly and my mother dressed me funny.

I had never lived on my own until I arrived in Japan - and there I was - naked to the world, unable to cook, do laundry, shop for clothes, iron, sew, speak the language - you name it, I was useless at it.

But... here's the thing. Perhaps through osmosis of watching my mother all those years, I kind of figured it out... though I didn't really eat a decent meal for my first two weeks in Japan.

I was still learning what good ingredients were - tough to do when buying a can of something whereby a happy squid holding a ruler points to a greenboard is the image on it.

It was a can of olives. Green ones. I hate green olives, preferring the black Kalamata ones.

I knew at that time that it would take me a lifetime to figure out Japan. Fortunately, I had a year or so.

I dropped down from my 172 lb weight to a mere 165 lb - two numbers that I will only reach again nowadays if I become a double leg amputee - and that's not part of any plan I wish for myself or others.

About the only good thing I had going for me was an ability to bullsh!t.

Armed with a degree in political science and one in journalism, I hadn't just kissed the Blarney Stone, but Frenched it. In other words, I knew how to talk and communicate.

And here's the thing about Japan and all my surrounding JETs... that ability to communicate seemed to translate into confidence, as it appeared as though I was full of it.

Confidence, that is.

It's probably why I quickly made new friends - with Kristine, Matthew and Jeff - and was able to impress a pretty little Southern Belle from Georgia named Ashley, who quickly became my girlfriend in those early and needy days of Japan.

I've probably given a lot of grief to Ashley here in this blog - and truthfully, I never ever understood what I did to deserve some of the treatment I received, but she is special.

It was the fact that I had a girlfriend so early in my career as a Junior High School assistant English Teacher in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, that I learned or remembered how to do all of those things I was never taught.

We could blame my inabilities on over-protective parents, or lay the blame, in truth, on a lazy bastard of a son - me - who was quite content to do as little as possible in life to squeak through.

That's the way I was. I'm not like that now. In fact, I wasn't like a full two years before arriving in Japan in 1990. I had concentrated on being a writer - a newspaper journalist - for two years, and did it well.

It's why when I finally had beautiful Ashley as my girlfriend, I was determined to impress her. She was the real inspiration behind me 'recalling' how to cook, shop, do laundry et al.

No boyfriend wants to look incompetent in front of his woman. At least I didn't.

Ashley had a dry, quick and witty charm about her. Being from Georgia, she also had that Southern drawl, that she would put on whenever she was drunk - which was often for me, as I would ply her with booze at my place and at the local bar hoping it would lead to sex.

Hopes were achieved.

She didn't have a Southern drawl usually, and I don;t know if that was because she had learned to dampen it, or if that's the way she was... but a couple of beers, or a shot of Southern Comfort, and Missy Ashley was more southern than a homesick penguin. To be fair, it did also come out when she was extremely happy or relaxed.

Being from Toronto and possessing what is termed a neutral accent - making me an ideal communicator in the minds of the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme... no accent means my students and local city folk would be better able to understand me... I think that's crap, by the way, accents are fine as long as you stay away from colloquialisms... - I used to razz Ashley when that accent would pop out.

The term "y'all" was my favorite. It is of course the words "you" and "all" combined, and it means "all of you".

It's a cool term, actually, but I never understood the use when she was just talking to me - how am I, a singular person also a group of people?

I recall asking her early on in our relationship(s) (we would break up and get back together a lot, but even when we were single, our relationship had more sex than when we were a couple. Friends with benefits... anyhow, I asked her what's up with the word "Y'all".

She told me that it's a colloquialism whereby Southerners drop the "o" and the "u". Well d'uh.

So... being a smart ass (it's probably what she loved most about me - that and my killer chilli con carne), I asked her if she like my c'ch, which she happened to be sitting on.

It took a few seconds for her to either get it, not get it, or to determine if she should be pissed off.

In those few seconds, a smiling jackass of a boyfriend quickly filled up her glass of Southern Comfort and told her she looked pretty when she smiled.

That made her smile, and after we finished our drinks, we got of my c'ch and went to my bedroom.

Man, I love a happy ending.

Cheers y'all,
Andrew Joseph

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