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Monday, February 24, 2014

What Would Japanese Women Do If They Could Be A Man For A Day?

Japanese women say the strangest things sometimes.

I'm going to re-print a bit of an article written by Philip Kendall for JapanToday and published on February 20, 2014. Actually, I'm just going to print the answers and then comment fiercely about them. Because that's a lot more fun.

It's a story that took a My Navi Woman survey asking Japanese women:

"What would you like to do if you were a man for 24 hours?"   

  • “I’d go in on the male side of the public baths.”
Honey.. there's just more pee on the floor. But if this is just a ploy to see more male wieners let me just say: "All of these men… they were swimming! It was cold… there may have been shrinkage… " It doesn't matter if it's a hot bath. It can still shrink.
  • “Try shaving my beard.”
She has a beard that needs shaving? Or… does she mean… down there?
Or perhaps she means she would like to know what it feels like to shave one's face. It sucks. It's like shaving your legs… only everyday… and with a razor that isn't dull, with four blades… and everyday you press that shaver (avenue an electric one) up against your jugular and press hard until you cry, compose yourself and then get ready for work. What? I can't be the only one?
  • “I’d stand in front of a mirror totally naked and just look at myself.”
This is known as lean muscle and is not as impressive as bulk muscle, in my opinion.
You can't just do that! You have to flex! You have to do the full range of body-building poses: a) Single arm bicep flex; b) Double biceps flex; c) the left arm with fingers pointing stretched up and out to the side with the right arm cocked with fingers poised over the right shoulder with fingers pointing with the head turned to the left and looking up along the arm as you wonder why you are not Flash Gordon killing monsters up in space; d) and the Hulk full body pose, making sure to also pull the neck muscles up. The good news, is that if you pull a muscle doing this - you have pulled a muscle! You can't pull a fat!
  • “Pee standing up.”
Pee standing up? It shows how little women (not the book!) in Japan know about men. Pee standing up? You always have to worry about splash-back at the urinal or even at a toilet bowl. Hell... guys don't even know where their pee stream is going - at least for that initial moment it first leaves you! - and what the heck - three streams??!! How the hell does that happen? Now you have pee splatter on your pants so you spend the next 10 minutes trying to raise your crotch up as high as possible to get the heat from the washroom's hand-dryer… and then you realize that this freak show never works before some other guy walks in and you have to immediately stop and pretend you are just finished drying your hands, so you have to walk out of the men's room with your hand covering the wet spots in a nonchalant manner that is anything but nonchalant. You should remember to carry something in, tucked under your arm - like a small binder or a magazine - so that you can exit the facilities carrying it nonchalantly atop the splatter marks.
Anyhow... if you are at a urinal, it is perfectly acceptable to walk up to it, spit, then pee and, if you need to, go ahead and fart while peeing.
  • “I’d go to the swimming pool! I think if I were a guy, I wouldn’t feel even a bit embarrassed about not wearing a shirt.”
Many men DO feel embarrassed about not wearing a shirt at a swimming pool or out in public. Non-Japanese men can have hairy backs, while any man can have a physique they are not proud off… but do you know what gets a guy over that insecurity at the swimming pool? It's the thought of all of those hot Japanese babes wearing bikini's! So… women… if you were a guy… that's what you should be thinking of… which, since we men know you are really a woman, it makes us horny.
  • “Take part in an eating contest.”
What woman gave this answer?! That was the best you could come up with if you were a guy?! How many men do you know that have actually partaken in an eating contest? Every guy likes to think he could wolf down 69 hotdogs or eat that 100-ounce steak, but for the average guy… six hotdogs might be enough… and eating a 100-ounce steak is a sure-fire way to experience that heart attack you so obviously want. Really, though… every guy thinks - at least in the back of his head - that he would like to take part in an eating contest, but truthfully we don't really want to do it because we know it would end badly.
  • “Sprint at fast as I could.”
Was this because of the eating contest?
Seriously… I'm pretty sure women can also sprint as fast as they can.
Oh… you mean sprint as fast as a man can? Sweetie… take a look at the men around you. The only time they sprint is if there is someone giving away free beer or tentacle porn DVDs. And what will this sprinting get you anyways? One hundred meters closer to the 200-meter race finish line?
  • “I’d want to try having sex as a man.”
Yes… all you can do is try. Having sex as a man? That means less crying but more begging. You know, half the time the woman is going to reach down and slide your penis inside because she's tired of you missing the hole or trying to put it in the 'wrong' hole. But let's run through the basic instructions (sigh). Insert Tab A into Slot B. Repeat as necessary. Five or six times ought to do it. Now roll over and get some sleep. It doesn't matter if it's 10AM… you are done for the day.
  • “Wear a pair of boxers. I’ve always wondered what they felt like to wear.”
You mean like Frazier and Ali? If you mean underwear, WTF is wrong with you? I'm pretty sure that you could always just slip on a pair. You can even go to a men's clothing store an purchase a pair of boxers and no one would bat an eye… but… if a guy walks into a women's lingerie shop and asks for pair of panties with a 38-inch waist, suddenly he's the pervert.
But… what the heck is with the boxer's? Are Japanese fashionista's so out of it that boxers are the cool thing? Do people still wear boxers? I do the combination boxer-briefs. Support and comfort... plus, if you have the leg muscles, they look great. I look great.
  • “Change a lightbulb.”
This woman had a brilliant idea to use her head as a lightbulb.
What the hell is stopping you from doing this as a woman? Are you afraid men will look up your skirt? They will, so wear pants! Even if you do decide this is how you wish to spend your day as a man - changing lightbulbs - just know that while you are up a ladder 'as a man', every guy walking by will pretend to shake it and then you two can share a laugh. But… just know that there is always ONE asshole who will actual shake the ladder and laugh as he walks away while you are screaming in pain on the ground.
There are also lightbulbs in table lamps. You could change a lightbulb there if you wanted. But… come to think of it…. while my wife has purchased lightbulbs, I have NEVER seen her change one. I've seen her sit in the dark reading with a flashlight and then act surprised when I try to turn on the lights only to find the bulb is burned out. She doesn't really want to change a lightbulb. Apparently that's a man's job. It brings us no great joy to our day.
  • “Carry something heavy.”
They are called testicles.
You know… men don't really want to carry anything heavy, either. But perhaps this is a Japanese female thing, because I have seen women at the gym who could bench-press a moose. I live in Canada, so this happens more often than most people realize.
Now… I've seen women shovel heavy wet snow (here in Canada), but for a guy… while he feels smug sitting inside while his woman is out shoveling snow… he feels emasculated when another man comes over to help your woman… guys don't do that to other guys. Let the woman shovel. It will make her proud you consider an equal.
  • “Go on a date with a girl.”
Man: Psst.... I'm not really a man. Woman: I know. No man would dress that well on purpose.
They are called lesbians. Or bisexuals. And remember… you only have 24 hours. You have to try and get a girl (women are waaaaaay better, and more legal) to agree to go out with you… "Yes, today! No… we have to go out today!" and then… don't forget your money. Saying it's in your purse at home is a sure-fire way to not get laid as a guy. Buy her dinner, hold the doors open, get her drinks, take her dancing, pay for everything, ensure she gets home safely and get a kiss on the cheek, because she's not that kind of girl. Actually she is. You're just not that kind of guy. She already has a boyfriend for sex. One to go dancing. One to be seen with office workers. One she will marry. And one who will buy her presents. That last guy? That's you.
  • “Hit on girls. I’d have way more confidence.”
Sure. More confidence. Hey guys!!!! Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Most guys lack confidence. It kills us to hit on girls. The one's who do hit on girls easily are called players (or play-yahs). Players only love you when they're playing. That's all you need to know. Just like when a hooker tells you that you are the biggest and best lover she's ever had.
  • “Put on a necktie and go to work at a company.”
First you need to get a job. Being a woman in Japan, you probably don't have a job. Oh you do… so what's stopping you from wearing a tie? Let me tell you… a woman wearing a tie can be very sexy.
But… what I think is hilarious is that you - a woman - think that men have better fashion options than women. We don't. In Japan, you have a suit and tie… in such colors as navy blue, grey or silver, and black. All come with or without pinstripes.
  • “Enjoy wearing guys’ clothes.”
Again… if not for the suit… you guys can ear a skirt, a dress, a blouse, a shirt, belt, no belt, a purse, handbag, hair bands, stockings, panties, no underwear, a bra, camisole… perfume, make-up… oh wait… you mean you want to enjoy the fact that men's clothing is a simple affair. It is. I'll give you that.
I, as a guy, frequently wear a t-shirt and jeans when not at work. But… my wife wears a t-shirt and blue jeans, and so does my girlfriend… and so does my mistress. Ain't no big thrill.
  • “Become pals with my boyfriend, then find out what he really thinks about me.”
Oh… I get it… because you think that guys talk about their wife or girlfriend to their male buddies. No we don't. The wife or girlfriend is not mentioned except perhaps after a cursory question: "Things okay?" A response is grunted with an added nod or a shake of the head. Nothing more is said.
Between two guys, talk will focus on other women, sports, whose turn it is to buy another round of alcohol, who farted that time, and does anyone have any more money for a lap dance?
If a guy starts to pry into another guy's girlfriend situation (IE, you, the woman who has changed into a man for 24 hours), that guy will think there is something wrong and will immediately guess that you are 1) trying to hit on his girlfriend 2) are gay, because why else would you be asking such feminine questions, and 3) are a woman who has magically been turned into a man for 24 hours. Yeah… we've seen that type of stuff before.

That's it for the responses and my response to the responses.

Because I am a guy - a man's man, which doesn't sound as butch as I thought would - I didn't stop to think before rattling off my responses. That's one of the keys to being a man. Open mouth, say crap, and don't think about it again. Other guys won't bring up your crap - unless it was funny… and a woman will bring it up six weeks later when her pent up anger is suddenly released and the guy will wonder what the hell he said that made this happen. No… we don't know. We never know. We say a lot of dumb things, but that's because they are funny or because we are dumb or because we are devo. (Question: Are we not men? Answer: We are Devo!)

So… since Japanese women got asked such a stupid question and generally responded with some stupid answers, it begs the question:

What would a Japanese man do if he were a woman for 24 hours?

This is just me thinking outside (or rather, inside) the box. I did not have to do a survey to get any responses. As explained above, I just spew out what I'm thinking. Just because.

I'm guessing most 'new women' would:
  • feel themselves up;
  • get naked;
  • see how much of anything they could stuff up their vagina;
  • try to come up with a cute name for their vagina;
  • engage in some sort of tentacle porn;
  • get a mani-pedi;
  • spend a few hours trying to figure out how to pee;
  • spend hours being felt up by other men (that would happen - not that they would want it to happen);
  • spend many hours making tea and serving it to the male office employees while trying to fend off the men from feeling you up;
  • more tentacle porn - and how difficult is it to buy a live octopus in Japan, anyway?;
  • have a car accident in your incredibly small sub-compact pastel colored car with the offensive girl-name;
  • wonder just how other women put on pantyhose?;
  • wonder what it would feel like to have a penis inside you - just wondering, you wouldn't want to actually do it (Homo ja nai - I'm not gay);
  • maybe try a squid instead of an octopus?;
  • read a real book and not a manga (comic books) for four hours;
  • watch Downton Abbey;
  • actually understand why it is a great television show;
  • spend two hours wondering why no one has served you dinner;
  • realize you are now a woman and have to cook your own damn food;
  • is there such a thing as too much tentacle porn - let's find out;
  • go out and buy a small dog and not feel emasculated;
  • masturbate furiously and try not to be too disappointed when you don't squirt or even orgasm;
  • wonder if you look fat in that dress;
  • kiss another woman and make her feel your boobs (As a man in a woman's body, you know that women do this all the time when they know men aren't around. That's what happens in the porno movies, after all;
  • oh god… there's so many things to do - but not enough hours to do them…. and why does my vagina smell like an aquarium? Do I have a rash? Do I still have time for more tentacle porn?
There are a few other things that a woman might think a guy would want to experience as a woman, but:

No… why the hell would I want to wear high heels? You are always bitching about how much your feet hurt and how rough your skin is that you have to take a potato peeler out and skin off layers of dead skin from your horrible little feet… no thanks.

Wear a thong? Butt floss? No thanks. High heels and thongs… men like to look at women wearing them, but we don't really want to know what it feels like! Most men, anyway.

Pay the bills, go shopping and not actually buy anything except for a few items that you have to hide within the reduced food allowance? No thanks - boring!

Pick up my drunk husband at the local bar - again? No thanks. Been there. Actually… that's true… except it was you picking me up. It's the same thing, right?

By the way... I thought I would scour the Internet and grab a photo of a Japanese woman dressed as a man - but I could not find one. There were plenty of photos of Japanese men dressed up as women, though.;

Okay... that's enough for now... I think I could do a book or a whole blog on this.

Andrew "Sucker Marks" Joseph

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