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Friday, May 16, 2014

Godzilla - All Thriller, No Filler

Godzilla stars: Bryan Cranston, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Juliette Binoche, Elizabeth Olsen, Ken Watanabe, David Straithairn and Sally Hawkins. Directed by Gareth Edwards. 123 minutes.

Available for global viewing - except Japan, where you have to wait until July 25, 2014.

Ha. You really do.

Godzilla is literally moviedom's biggest superstar, and while the previous two American Godzilla movies nearly killed the franchise (it was bad, but not THAT bad!), this Godzilla awakens sleeping audience from their decades long slumber to shake movie theaters everywhere (except Japan. hee).

Back from the deep we get to see Godzilla done right. The Americans, working with the Japanese and with British director Gareth Edwards bring back (missing from the 1998 version): the spiny plates on the back and the bad-ass radioactive breath!

Unfortunately for Japanese fans of the original Godzilla, there is no man in a rubber suit posing like he was Ultraman, or getting into a classic sumo wrestler stance before exploding at a rubbery monster held aloft by near-invisible strings… and definitely no dumb ass offspring of Godzilla. Maybe.

I'm sure there's no copyright issues here. From
With that above paragraph in mind, how the hell can ANYONE say that Roland Emmerich's 1998 remake of Godzilla was a franchise killer? There were far worse Godzilla movies made. I think it was just the fact that Godzilla acted too much like a real lizard and not enough like a real King of the Kaiju (monsters).

That, and the fact that it was an American take on a Japanese 'antihero'. If you've seen the movie and you are not a movie critic, it was a decent Godzilla movie. It just wasn't a decent movie relative to other movies. Whatever.

Anyhow… as I have mentioned in previous blogs, this Godzilla is 1/3 taller than the 1998 Godzilla, but 2x taller than the 1954 version created by Toho Studios of Japan.

And, while some people are calling this version 'fatter' or the 'fattest Godzilla' yet, not quite.

Take a look at any lizard or reptile… smaller head, wide chest, wider and longer body than the head and a nice strong long tail for balance. The new Godzilla still looks like his 1954 self, but has a more 'realistic' lizard appearance.

And, have you ever seen a Japanese Godzilla movie? He's pear-shaped! Don't give me this crap about him being fat! Godzilla has muscle!

Without giving too much away, I will offer up some tidbits that you won't read about anywhere else!

On Friday May 16, 2014, whilst standing at the urinals at work having our morning coffee—I just pour mine directly into the urinal so as to cut out the middle man—my good friend Michael informed me that one of his friends had already seen the new Godzilla movie.


But, being in the men's room, not that kind of excitement.

So I asked him the obvious question "How was it?"

Realizing I was talking about the Godzilla movie and not his coffee evacuation, Michael gave me as full a report as a full bladder at 8:30 in the morning can give:

"It was visually fantastic."

"It was a little long."

"It was an 8.5 out of 10."

Now, considering the way my mind works, I just had to say it:

"Sounds like your friend is describing my penis."

It's a good thing that when I enter a public washroom I always check the stalls to make sure I know how many people are around me. None.

So… there you have it… my first review of Godzilla. Pretty positive and it sounds like people liked it. Oh, and the movie, too.

And… from what I understand, the movie takes place in both Japan and the U.S., so hopefully fans will not be disappointed when they learn that Tokyo is once again destroyed and Godzilla accidentally breaks the Golden Gate bridge when trying to escape from Oakland into San Francisco.

Actually, with regards to the Japan stuff… just think March 11, 2011. 'nuff said.

I have not read any reviews of the movie yet… I do feel that improperly colors one's own opinion… after all, who the hell are they to tell me what I think is good and what is bad?

Just recall that these are the same people who canceled the original Star Trek television program many times before finally axing it after just three years. The result: fantastic syndication numbers, umpteen books and comic books, a plethora of big budget movies, x-number of conventions, merchandising (I Grok Spock buttons) and, of course the television spin-offs: Star Trek: The Next Generation; Star Trek: Deep Space Nine; Star Trek: Voyager; and my favorite, which is why it also died after just three years, Star Trek: Enterprise. In fact, the Star Trek franchise has generated almost as many dollars as there are stars in the sky. Almost.

You won't be surprised to hear that many a record label passed on The Beatles before they were signed.

Hundreds of thousands of people are Twitter and Facebook followers of various "famous" dogs and cats who spend much of their day licking their own privates and sniffing other dog's asses or snuffing around their crotch. Hey... you know these animals don't write their own material like I do, right?

So… there's no accounting for taste. I'll stop with the penis jokes right there, even though it might be the best thing to come across your computer all day.

Andrew Joseph
PS: That headline of mine could also be a joke, sad though it is, when a deeper meaning is found.
PPS: The image at the very top was taken from I don't know who owns the rights to it, but it was drawn by Vonce Dragon.

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