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Monday, August 11, 2014

Hello Kitty Sits On Marvel's Face

Because some people can't leave well enough alone, I am forced to present to you some disturbing photos that come from a sick individual, that has taken a few iconic and bad-ass Marvel Comics comic book characters and made them even more bad-ass, if that is possible.

Apparently it's not.

This is what happens when irresponsible graphic artists with considerable talent and imagination have too much time on their tiny hands: We get Heroes in spandex and leather Hello Kitty suits.

First up, is Thor.

Uh… Hello Kitty or not, Thor still looks like he could kick your ass - yeah, I'm looking at you - and trust me, just how embarrassed would you be to have your butt handed to you by Hello Thor and his sparkly pink Mjölnir war hammer?

Yes… the gods must be crazy.

How about Captain America - or is it the Human Torch from those two so-so/awful Fantastic Four movies? I get confused.

Let's say it is Captain America. A pinko version of Captain America. No, not the communist type pinko, but definitely a subservient Captain Kitty version.

I'll scratch you with my vibranium shield!

While still handsome and looking like a poster boy for Hitler's Teutonic elite, Captain America just doesn't look as butch as Thor does wearing the pink suit. I think the mouthless cat logo stops the butchiness - and Captain America is one bad-ass dude.

Up next is the Winter Soldier - a bad guy, or a good guy - depending on which comic book series you read, but at least for the most-part, he's the bad guy in the second Captain America movie released in 2014.

Okay… I think the most disturbing aspect about the whole Winter Soldier as Hello Kitty look is - no, not the sparkling arms, but rather the pink face guard!

Yup. I have no issue with the pink bow tie pinning the hair back. I've had very long hair and I know how annoying it can be when you are involved in a fight (okay, maybe not), but are having sex, and the long hair gets in her face, so borrowing a hair clip can make the experience less painful… unless you like that sort of thing.

But seriously… the pink face guard… it just looks wrong. I have no issue with people wearing all sorts of devices or masks - it's not quite my bag, but whatever… a zippered mouth on a black leather head mask with a red ball stuffed in your mouth - sure… but a pink, industrial-looking one, no matter what your predilection, just looks off-putting.

There… I've probably now encouraged a new fad for people who like to disturb other people.

Hawkeye - why the hell is this so-called superhero even here?

Hawkeye has long been Marvel's poor man answer to Green Lantern, who was DC Comic's answer to Robin Hood. Hawkeye has trick arrows and a hawk's eye. Whatever. Green Arrow had that first.
This guy should be an urban avenger, not a real Avenger!

Anyhow, if Hawkeye must wear the pink Hello Kitty suit, I would suggest changing his handle to something more appropriate like Eros or Cupid. Be the love archer.

Iron Man - are we sure this isn't actually one of his real suits?

The dapper Tony Stark dons the Iron Man suit to become a smart, handsome, rich guy in a super-powered suit.

To me, this why he's lame. At least Batman/Bruce Wayne is in a non-super-powered suit, and wears his costume for protection and intimidation.

Iron Man - that can be anyone wearing the suit… a fact that has been proved time and time again - even in the movies.

Anyhow, Tonk Stark is a clothes horse, and has an incredible array of Iron Man suits in his closet. It would not surprise me to find out that he actually has the Hello Nurse, I mean Hello Kitty Iron Man Suit for whenever he's in Japan trying to pick up some hot Japanese babe(s).

Because it's Tony Stark, the suit actually looks pretty damn good.

Nick Furry…

Yes, I called Marvel's muthafugging leader of SHIELD Nick Furry, while also betting that this isn't the first time that he's had a white pussy cat on his body.

In the comic books, Nick Fury is a white guy… a remnant from WWII when he was a Sgt. who led his howling commandos in to battle wherever evil needed trouncing or French babes needed saving.

In the Marvel Ultimate line of comic books, Fury is Black, and has always looked like Samuel L. Jackson.

Both versions are fine by me. Honestly.

Even Nick Fury wearing pink lather and a pink bow tie eye patch…. it's muthafugging Samuel Jackson, yo! He can wear whatever the muthafugging heck he wants!

I don't want no muthafugging trouble, ma-man.

You'll notice that I kept all the jokes clean. I'm one of those guys who doesn't have a problem wearing pink, because I look good in it. Hell, I look good in any color, except brown, mostly because it makes me look naked, and I look better naked.

I actually believe that we need to stop instilling color stereotypes on children. Fer chrissakes, why does every girl have to only wear pink or purple?

Colors only mean something if you let it mean something.

I still think the whole Hello Kitty concept is fascinating, however.

Andrew Joseph

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