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Saturday, August 9, 2014

Ronaldo Hawking Japanese PAO Facial Fitness Gadget

Who wouldn't want to be like superstar soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo?  Well you can't.

Even though I once had some pretty good skills (he's lying), I never had the level of his insane soccer skills (now he's not being deceitful).

Hell… you don't even have his stunning good looks. No one does. Just him.

The only chance that there is a God is that hopefully Ronaldo isn't very smart.

But, he's probably smart enough. It's why he is appearing in a Japanese advertisement series and making lots of money to boot.

He's hawking the PAO Facial Fitness, a Japanese face-strengthening product that looks stupid, but unlike Ronaldo, its looks appear to be deceiving. Seriously, that guy is fricking good looking.

The PAO Facial Fitness is being called an "athletic beauty project", and is manufactured by MTG Co., a health and wellness company based in Nagoya, Japan.

And, if you don't know who Cristiano Ronaldo is, well, his full name is Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro—but everyone knows him as Ronaldo.

He's 29-years-old (born: February 5, 1985), is from Santo António, Portugal, is 1.85-meters in height, weighs 80-kilograms of muscle, plays forward and wears #7 for Spanish Liga team Real Madrid C.F. and the Portugal national football team and is captain of the Portugal national team. 

He also makes 21-million a year (US $28.2-million or just under ¥2.9-billion with a 'b') from playing for Real Madrid, and doesn't really need any more money from anyone or anything.

“In my everyday training sessions, there is one area of my body that I hadn’t been exercising: my facial muscles. That is, until I discovered PAO,” Ronaldo explains.

Now… in the ads, and in the video below, we never actually see Ronaldo using the PAO Facial Fitness to create those cheeky cheeks of his… probably because I doubt the PAO Facial Fitness would actually do anything to make him better looking. Man… I'm starting to hate this guy…

But, still… Ronaldo doesn't actually say he 'uses' the PAO Facial Fitness… just that he 'discovered' PAO… and that he doesn't exercise his facial muscles…. which is probably truthful.

However, the advertisements do show other people testing out the PAO (right in the kisser!) and working out those facial muscles that the lazy-ass, pretty-boy Ronaldo doesn't work on. Or apparently 'need' to work on.

Did you listen to the Japanese advertisement for PAO in the video above? I just love the fact that damn near every modern Japanese song or jingle utilizes English in it "I just love your smiling face! Your smiling face!"

Plus, there's always that apparent need for advertisers to include some sort of written English, as though it legitimizes the whole product branding program. 

Shape Up! Face Up!
So… does anyone else think that the PAO Facial Fitness device looks like something you and your favorite spouse might utilize in some sort of slap and tickle, sweaty sex marathon?

Personally, I just thought up a couple of other ways to work those facial muscles, and I'm smiling and working those facial muscles right now because Ronaldo says he doesn't go there.

Down there… not Australia, but definitely down under.

Still, the PAO does utilize 43-degrees of swing, so it must be an effective way of working the facial muscles… no… I don't know what that means either.

What facial muscles does the PAO and Cristian Ronaldo think we need to work on?

I'd know I'd smile more if I had Ronaldo's... well, everything, I suppose... kso (sh!t).

Can't we all just chew gum rather viciously and look like a slob rather than use the PAO and look like a pervert wearing disco-bondage headgear?

I'm done picking on Ronaldo. We should all be glad that, according to Businessweek, Ronaldo's entire body is spoken for by global advertisers.

Geezus… just look at the amount of fat on that fugging guy! Does anyone really believe he eats KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken)?

Advertisers would never lie to us!

Anyhow, because of this, I have learned that KFC's popcorn chicken can help sculpt my body into a Romanesque god. Or is that Ruebenesque goddess? Whatever, if you can't be one, be the other.

Thanks to Ronaldo, now you too can have perfect cheeks by using the PAO Facial Fitness.

Andrew Joseph

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