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Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Suck On This Colossal Head - Attack On Titan

Personally, I don't see what the big deal is.

More ugly than shocking, which to me is the better marker for 'coolness',  comes this coffee mug featuring the head of a Colossal Titan, which, if you have been paying attention is the next big thing to come out of Japan's manga/anime factory.

This ugly mug (no, not me, the other ugly mug) is from the anime Attack on Titan, which I have not seen and probably won't see because unless someone hands me a copy or has a killer smile that makes me feel all mushy inside, I won't go out of my way to seek it out. Sorry, Julien.

Anyhow… here's a bit of the movie's plot as churned out from the website where this mug was found:

"Eren had to watch as his mother was eaten by a Titan after the Colossal Titan breached Wall Maria. It's time to turn the table on the Titans and joyfully drink boiling liquids from their skulls."

Despite the poor gramma, I mean grammar… look… I'm all for joyfully drinking boiling liquids from the skulls of my enemies - who doesn't find that invigorating? I think it moved.

Yeah… maybe one needs to watch out for some killer blood disease… or maybe Mad Cow disease… eww… or herpes… can you get that from drinking out of someone's skull? Probably from some kind of head.

Oh well. I am sure there are plenty of you geeks out there who would like this mug… just know that I dub thee geeks… NOT nerds.

I think nerds make more money… or maybe it's the other way around.

Whatever… I want to be the type who makes more money… I mean… I already am the type who wants to make more money… only doesn't… no… that doesn't make ME a loser.

Should you care… here is the 9-11 on this officially-licensed Attack on Titan coffee cup representation of a Colossal Titan's head:
  • It's ceramic - so it's easy to clean out that colorful liquid goo you like to get from 7-11;
  • It holds 16 ounces of goo… which is a fricking lot. Diabetes, dude or dudette;
  • It's 4-1/2 inches long… which is the same size of your (add your own witty bon mot here);
  • It's got a diameter of 3-1/2-inches at the top, which is the same size as your (add your own witty bon mot here);
  • It's 6-1/4 inches at it's longest width, which is the same size as your (add your own witty bon mot here) - see, it's not all insulting;
  • It's not microwave safe either, so you'll need to buy two because you know you'll forget;
  • It's not dishwasher safe so you'll need to buy another one because you know you don't do dishes and your mom will do them, or rather since you don't do dishes you weren't even aware that there's a dishwasher, so you'r mom will put one in there and screw it all up and have it crack under the intense heat of the dishwasher… how come the dishwasher doesn't have a cool nickname like the microwave oven? You know? The "Nuker"?
What would you call the Coffee maker? Joe? I resent that. Toaster Oven is "Toasty? That's weak, bro. What should you call your dishwasher? The "Shwa"? "Mom"?

Oh, and here's an important fact to note… the Colossal Mug is rated for ages 12 and up… yes… that means pre-pubescent punks might also find this product highly seductive like your mom. Tell her Andrew says "Hey."

If you still want to own this colossal waste of time Colossal Titan's head mug, feel free to click HERE and kiss any chance you have of getting laid before I do. No... no bets... even I'm not sure of that outcome. 

Andrew King of the Nerds Joseph
"Top of the world, ma!"

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