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Friday, October 30, 2015

My Little Pony Cafe And The Rant Against Kawaii

I'm not into cute - even women. Sexy, yeah. Pretty, yeah. Gorgeous, mmm-hmm. Cute? No.

But, Andrew, I hear you say, didn't you have a  Japanese girlfriend? Wasn't she cute?

No… I did not have a Japanese girlfriend. I had many Japanese girlfriends, plural - and all of them were women - and not a single one of them would fall under the kawaii (cute - かわいい,) label. They were of the hot and sexy variety.

That whole cute thing smacks of underage youth to me - and no thanks.

Having said that, there is a time in every man or woman's life, when they get nostalgic.

In this case, I am talking about nostalgia for toys, sports or hobbies that one had when they were younger.

I'm unsure if I fall into that category or not. I love Warner Bros. cartoons—the ones I saw when I was a kid that were already old before I saw them as television reruns from the movie theaters, but there was never a time when I wasn't enthralled by them. The same for sports and all the hobbies I currently follow.

But for the generation that followed me - my brother's generation… Alice's too… they were cursed with what I call some god-awful cartoons.

Still… that was all they had…. and so… because everything old must become new again, revamps of those crappy shows from the 1980s were in vogue, as they tried to amp up the coolness factor for the jaded 21st century.

That's the only reason why stuff like Transformers and Smurfs and My Little Pony exist nowadays. If you think about it, those franchises bloomed in the 1980s, sucked the big one and died for around 15+ years, with nary a thought for them.

Hells… I'm not even talking about live-action stuff like Charlie's Angels (sexy), Get Smart (sorry about that, Chief), Three Stooges (funny, actually)… but merely those cartoons.

I guess I'm old school. The best cartoons were the Bugs Bunny one's et al for humor; Disney for sheer artistry; Scooby Doo for fun… but just the first two years. After that… wow… sporadic comedy from cartoons with little to know staying power.  I suppose the Laff-a-Lympics was close, but only because I like Muttley.

But really, I was talking about those crappy cartoons like Kissyfur, Potato Head Kids, Denver the Last Dinosaur, Rubik The Amazing Cube, Foofur, Gilligan's Planet (really? Wow!)...   

So what the hell is my point?

My frickin' Little Pony.

Back in the 1980s, if you were a girl under the age of 9, let's say, perhaps this show was geared to you. It was nauseatingly cute and since I was in my late teens to early 20s, definitely not my cup of green tea.

It had a recent and miraculous rise from the grave a few years ago. Hell's bells… even my brother wrote a few episodes of the life-sucking revamp. Because he's a writer, and all writer's have ego's, he even used his real name on the credits, as though he was proud of it. The guy's got a freaking Emmy! Not for that, of course, but for writing Roly Poly Oly. That's something to be proud of. But Pony tales? Oh, brother.

Anyhow, in the Harajuku part of Tokyo, Japan, the world's first and probably only My Little Pony-themed cafe is set to open on November 29, 2015.

Why? Are there that many 40-something fans of this blackhole of cuteness?

Pony names include: Twinkle Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle - and oh, I'm going into diabetic shock.

I'm so ashamed of my brother. I know he did it for the money, but what a whore.

If there are any 40-year-old female or male fans out there who love My Little Pony, please feel free to write and and tell me that I'm old and then explain why the franchise deserves it's own cafe.

Apparently the cafe is a collaboration between Umajo, a professional women's horse racing team; Sega Toys, which makes My Little Pony; and Sunday Jam, a restaurant known for its pancakes.

The cafe's menu offers… well… it ain't rolled oats:
banana, chocolate and marshmallow pancakes drizzled with something called pink sauce and topped with a My Little Pony cookie.

Look… I know this might be someplace you go to once in a while… because who hasn't spoiled themselves at a fancy pancake house… but the healthiest ingredient is the banana, and it's health benefits are negated simply because there is something called pink sauce.  

Okay... maybe I over-reacted. It doesn't look like a sugar bomb at all! I expected the bananas to be caramelized or something - not just split in half. The portions also look reasonable.
If that was too sweet, and you don't want your dentist to finally be able to afford that new Maseratti, then how about a milky rainbow parfait, or a matcha chocolate late with My Little Pony-themed foam, or perhaps a My Little Pony-emblazoned toast. 

Gahhhhhhh!!!!

I guess I just like my kitsch in small doses.

Actually, it's not that bad. I mean I recently bought some Scooby Doo-themed LEGO and I'd probably buy some Scooby Snax if I saw them and would even go to a restaurant with a Coolsville theme with of their famous monsters on display… so why am I thrashing My Little Pony?

Why? I'll tell you why.

Japan… stop trying to be so offing cute. Grow up. Give us more real badass characters that not only act un-cute, but look un-cute.

Stick with Hello Kitty, if you must, but why do you need to import excess sugar from the U.S. with My Little Pony?!

Look… since Sega is involved, one can only assume that they also sell My Little Pony dolls there. yeah - special editions ones available every month… or maybe even every week! How much??!!

Unless the pony is life-sized, the portions seem almost dainty. Ooooh... do you get to keep the Pony doll? How about the plate? Does the meat still have marks where the Umajo jockey was hitting it?
Okay… grumpy old man rant over… if someone dares go to the My Little Pony cafe in Harajuku, Tokyo - please provide a short note to me describing if it's cool, kitschy or a cash grab.

Thanks to Alice, whose sweetness makes me overdoes on sugars, for the story lead. Images (and original story) from http://epicstream.com/news/My-Little-Pony-Cafe-Opens-in-Japan.

By the way, I also do not understand all of the kids cartoons tied around battle card games that you have to buy. I would buy the cards JUST to have a collection of the cool characters like Brock from Pokemon, for example... but card games? I guess I just like my cards to sit there and look pretty (not cute).  

Kanpai,
Andrew Joseph
Let this be your Halloween story. Is it a trick or treat?

3 comments:

  1. I have one word for you Andrew that glistens with bloody kawaii terror: Bronies

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    1. Yeah... I read that in the original article and had to suppress a shudder. It's bad enough I can't get that sing-song My Little Pony line from the commercials out of my head since I first heard it back in the 80s... Bronies... wow. Again... I'm not judging, but c'mon!

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    2. This article was actually retweeted: Brony Retweet (@BronyRT) retweeted your Tweet!

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