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Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The Booty Machine


If you are looking at the photo above, it is quite obvious that the woman on the right has a big booty.

Unlike the stereotypical Japanese woman, she wants to slim down her butt, and is testing out the Cyber Body Slimmer created by Dr. Fuji.

According to the Japanese man in the video below, the vibration exercise machine helps to increase one's sexual function.

He also claims to be 85-years-old… and if so, he looks pretty damn good.

Plus he says the Cyber Body Slimmer helps make his penis longer.

If that were true he would be sold out with billions more machines on back order.

Still… it looks like fun:



Want one? Well… this video is from 2013, but you can still purchase one from Fujiiryoki USA of San Gabriel, California.

Unlike the unfortunately outlandish claims from the erstwhile Dr. Fuji in the video, the products only purport to improve one's lifestyle by helping increase lean muscle mass, causing the body to become more fuel efficient by burning additional calories throughout the entire day - not only during a workout.

The more calories the body is able to burn, the higher the potential is for dramatic weight loss.

Here are the four types of machines Fujiiryoki USA have for sale at http://cyberbodyslimmer.homestead.com.


Looking at the Dr. Fuji FJ-088B Cyber Body Slimmer on the website, it says it:

"aides in losing those pounds and toning your body through WBV (whole body vibration). Just ten minutes a day is all it takes when using the Dr. Fuji Cyber-Body Slimmer FJ-088B. There is no need to go and exercise at the gym! Those ten minutes may equate to that of calorie-burning exercises in one hour. As you are on the machine, you are not only losing weight, but also improving your blood circulation and lymphatic drainage. Your health will improve and you will be full of energy after every use."

Okay… I'm sure it doesn't aide, but does aid… at least as far as spelling goes.

I kind of like the idea that I could just drape myself over the machine like the big bootied beauty in the topmost image … turn it on… and watch TV and eat nachos while the Dr. Fuji booty machine helps tone my toned booty.

Heck, you can already bounce quarters off my butt when I flex it… now imagine what it might be like after using the Dr. Fuji Cyber-Body Slimmer FJ-088B for just 10 minutes.

I would look awesomer. That's a word.

It may not be a real word, but it's a word.

It's the same with the claims of the Dr. Fuji Cyber-Body Slimmer equipment. It may not work, but it does work.

Here's a list of the Features of the Dr. Fuji Cyber-Body Slimmer FJ-088B:

Features:
  • Tightens and Tones;
  • Reduction of Cellulite;
  • Increases Bone Mineral Mass & Density;
  • Reduces Training Time;
  • Requires Little Effort;
  • Improves Metabolism;
  • Increases Muscle Strength;
  • Lowers Stress Hormones / Increases Seratonin Output;
  • Improves Circulation;
  • Fewer Varicose Veins;
  • Increases Sense of Equilibrium.
I might have said benefits, rather than features. Also... serotonin is misspelled. That's bad considering this is supposed to be a website for a company selling health.

And then, fearing that there are too many features and that the reader's eyes will gloss over, the website separates things by adding that there are designated as:

Other Features:
  • Rational streamline design and fashionable colors;
  • 3 LED windows for time, speed and fat-scan; 
  • Three programs for slimming with fat-scan function;
  • Satisfy various needs with 20 speed options;
  • Stable running with 120KG due to direct current dynamo;
  • Anti-static and over-current protection;
  • Achieve wonderful effects by exercises on the CBS;
  • Increase body flexibility;
  • Strengthen organs, tissues, and bones without unnecessary burdens.
I have no idea how one's bones are going to get stronger... anyhow... the first six bullet points immediately above are Features, while the remaining three are benefits.

Also... when writing numbers... one through nine are written out, while anything over nine is depicted as a number.

Y'know... I am available for hire to write an effective jibber-jabber of copy for your website, regardless of the topic.

The website continues on with the Cyber Body Slimmer's...

Functions:
Slimming: As you burn off those unwanted calories, this machine will help you tighten and tone your body, giving you a more healthy and energetic lifestyle.
Spurs Blood Circulation and Improves Metabolism: With aging, detrimental problems such as high or low cholesterol, calcium deposits in the veins, high blood pressure, anoxemia, and heart disease will occur in the body. The frequent vibrations from the CBS increase blood circulation, thus expanding the veins and resolving those health issues.
Regulates the Neural System:Improving the conductive ability of nerve cells, this machine regulates the neural system and mitigates neurasthenia.
Stimulates Intestines: With high vibration frequency, this machine will refresh you by stimulating the intestine and alleviating constipation by massaging essential points according to ancient Chinese medical theory.
Better Constitution and Enhances Immunity: Keep your mind and body fit without the burden of stress and have a better constitution while enhancing your immunity.

Hmmm... nothing in there about making one's penis larger... unless your supermodel wife or girlfriend uses the Dr. Fuji Cyber-Body Slimmer in the nude…

And, if you are like me and wondered what the hell anoxemia is, I looked it up... it's a reduction of oxygen in the blood. 

Specifications:
  • 1-30 Different Working Speeds;
  • 3 Specifically Designed Programs;
  • 3 Digital LED screens: The first one indicates the program number, the second screen shows the time elapsed, and the third shows the speed selected;
  • Play your own music while exercising! * Mp3 Not Included.
I love the last specification… you can listen to music while doing the exercises… but only if you bring the music. Funny... but what are they selling here?

And... 1-30 different working speeds? Why not just say 30 working speeds? That is clear and concise. And, again, if you must keep it 1-30, it's written as: One to 30 different working speeds.

Butt… does it work? Yes, I spelled it correctly.

It might… the machine causes muscle contractions… up to 3,000 muscle contractions (all over your body) per minute.

These are involuntary muscle contractions, and thus 100 per cent of the muscles are being worked.

When you use more muscles with more repetition, shorter workouts (like 10 or 15 minutes) can give you the same training as a conventional workout.

In theory. Does the Dr. Fuji Cyber-Body Slimmer do that to your muscles?

How is this any different from those old vibrating belt machines from the 1930s et al?

Wasn't that proven not to work? It was, wasn't it?

He looks happy, at least. Doesn't it look like fun?
Oh well… I'm not here to discuss the merits of the Dr. Fuji Cyber-Body Slimmer.

I just wanted to show you all a fun video of an old Japanese man with a large penis.

Shake yer groove thang,
Andrew Joseph
PS: Thanks to Julien for the heads up. We should all chip in and buy that booty chick a pair of jeans that aren't ripped.

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