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Thursday, September 29, 2016

Nissan Introduces ProPILOT Chairs

Building upon its own Intelligent Parking Chair—see HERE—that allows offices to work more efficiently by removing all of that wasted time and effort required for people to push their chair back to their desk after a meeting, or even for cleaning staff to ensure chairs are back in the right cubicle after the office’s daily clean. Apparently the daily clean does not exist yet in my work space—but whatever, here comes the new Nissan ProPILOT Chair

While Nissan is not suggesting that the Intelligent Parking Chair is the next step in the evolution in office management efficiency, it, and the ProPILOT Chair are meant to demonstrate Nissan’s autonomous driving technology.

The new ProPILOT Chair was designed to showcase queuing… that it can maintain a set safe distance between your car and the one in front of you.

In the case of the ProPilot Chair… how many times have you been standing in line waiting patiently to get into your neighborhood strip joint, when you are accidentally jostled by the person in front of you because, well, he just wasn’t paying enough attention to his surroundings in his rush to get inside the strip joint to begin passing out $20 bills to women young enough to be his daughter, should his marriage have lasted long enough for him to have had kids.

Well, Nissan knows nobody enjoys being jostled while in line, and neither does anyone appreciate a fender bender, unless said rear-ending is done with your wife or significant other. It’s Japan, so let’s say significant other.

To demonstrate its autonomous driving technology with superb queuing action, the Nissan ProPILOT Chair has motorized wheels and a camera installed, where the camera looks in front of the chair to ensure other chairs in front of it remain at a safe, non-crotch/stomach-jostling distance.

In the test, when a person at the front of the queue leaves their chair (presumably to enter the strip joint in my hilarious example), the ProPILOT Chair senses that the person has left (it no longer feels your a$$ on its back, I assume), and moves itself to the back of the line.

The second chair in the line now detects that there is space available in front of it, and moves forward. Ad infinitum.

Supposing that the chairs are nice and comfy, every person in the line can now arrive at the strip joint (the joke is beginning to wear thin, like the socks I am wearing today, darn it) relaxed and ready to have so much fun that when they arrive home, cologne needs to be drunk in order to cover-up the eau-du-embarrassment perfume wafted all over them by that 21-year-old exotic dancer who looks just like your wife used to look if you had ever married that girl 30 years ago.

The Nissan ProPILOT Chair can only guarantee the riders safety to and from destinations, but not from your wife or significant other.

While we should know this experiment is just for Nissan’s actual automobile safety assurances, apparently they ARE also testing the ProPILOT Chair between now and December with an eventual safe roll-out in 2017 for restaurants who apparently feel such technology will help its patrons arrive at their dinner tables in a safe manner thereby eliminating all those unfortunate deaths that seem to occur when walking customers bang into each other.

Somewhere envisioning a world with no functioning legs and a decline in women’s high heels (… Hey! Stop Nissan now!),
Andrew Joseph
PS: Just having fun here, my dad owned a Nissan, and the car was great! I may also have visited a strip joint or two in my youth and did indeed watch a married buddy splash cologne all over himself before he went back home to see his wife who was better-looking than any of the dancers he was putting through college. Ahhh, the good old days.


  1. This is the beginning of that movie Wall-E!!!!

    1. Oh yeah! You're right! Everyone was fat, too.

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