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Saturday, June 17, 2017

Musing About Musings - or - Much Ado About Nothing II

I took Friday off from work for what I like to call a mental health day. I don't have any mental health issues that I or anyone else seems to be aware off, but dammit I was feeling a tad burned out.

Work. Home. Baseball.

Looking for a blog to write about - something that won't tax my brain too much - I thought about just what was it I did in Japan when I had a day off.

Firstly... I do have have several topics to write about thanks to Matthew and Vincent always providing me with topics... but I fear their topics would tax my fragile eggshell mind.

Today I did three loads of laundry, two loads of dishes, and vacuumed the house.

In Japan, I would do that stuff every other day.

Of course the three bedroom apartment in Japan was smaller, and the dishes and laundry never got a chance to pile up, but yeah... I did it.

The thing that is different in 2017 in Toronto from 1990-1993 in Ohtawara-shi, Japan however are great.

There was no internet at that time in Japan... therefore I didn't spend an hour writing to various people about how difficult it has been to coach baseball this year.

I'm just a dad. I never played except a couple of years immediate before going to Japan, and wallball or 500-up or just tossing a tennis ball against a ball or porch stoop every other day for 30 minutes.

Thanks to the internet (and tablets and home video games), kids these days have never played a game of pick-up baseball or wallball or even know what the hell 500-up is. I know this because I had to teach my team what 500-up is during a practice.

Kids today only seem to play organized sports - well, for the most part. I still see kids shoot a basketball at someone's driveway hoop. But dammit, there's no one at the park playing a game of football or baseball and sure as hell there's no one playing road hockey on some side street.

Kids do ride the bicycle around a bit... and then they get tired and come home and play video games... usually one person on a tablet and the other on the PS4... playing together but not playing together.

Being a loner - and I am - I get off on doing things by myself, but I am just as happy to have someone to share my time with. I can do both equally well, but truthfully I also enjoy being by myself.

In Japan after doing my chores, I would read a book, watch some inane Japanese television but not understand what the heck was going on, cook dinner (I did that for the first time today in years), and yes, play video games... I had a Nintendo Super Famicon, which we in the West know better as a Nintendo SNES.

I still have that SNES system that I bought in Japan... then again, I still have every system I ever bought going back to the mid-1970s.

I'm not quite a hoarder, because everything is placed neatly away, but then again...

If I had a day off in Japan, it was usually spent riding my bicycle around town trying not to get lost (a game I played and always lost).

I wish I could say I tried a lot of new restaurants, but dammit, I was too afraid to do so by myself.

Thank god for Matthew and his fearless persona dragging my sorry butt out to try new things.

For me, even after three years in Japan it was always the language barrier.

Imagine being illiterate... it was like that. People talking to me, but me not knowing how to respond, and hoping they didn't think I was being rude and only stupid.

Japan is a humbling. Especially when you don't work at correcting your inability to communicate. I surrounded myself with people who could communicate (in Japanese).

Pretty bizarre, I think, for a guy who made his living and makes his living with his ability to communicate.

If you met me in real life, we'd have no problem in finding something to talk about, as I am always interested in everything.

Even in Canada, I would say that my hobby is hobbies...

In Japan, on a day off, I might go and buy a 5,000 piece puzzle, and build it in a frame I would purchase at the same time and spend 30 minutes a night constructing it...

Then again, because I am an introvert pretending to be an extrovert I would go out to the local bar - sometimes with friends like Matthew or sometimes girlfriend Ashley, but more often I would go by myself.

The longest I ever went without female company in Japan was two weeks.

I bet that is something that you can't do in Japan in 2017. Go to a bar and get picked up by a different woman every time. Sad that stuff like that doesn't happen in Japan much anymore.

Then again... with my inability to communicate with words, physicality worked wonders. That and I probably looked exotic.

Someone at work said I was the whitest brown guy ever. Ha. I get it. I'm not very ethnic. Blame Canada. Or blame my parents. Or blame me. I only ever wanted to fit in.

I never could fit in in Japan... at least not the way I wanted to.

Communication is how we might do that in almost everyplace not in Asia.

Japan, however, is different.

Friendships are made and kept from school days, and grown in circles via work for the Japanese.

In my opinion, as a foreigner - even one who is fluent in Japanese - it can still be difficult to have real Japanese friendships - mostly because we lack that commonality of having been born Japanese.

Now that doesn't mean you can't have Japanese friends.

You can, of course... but it appears that there is still a divide.

But maybe I'm just full of it.

We Westerners think that the Japanese are closed off and insular... that they will never tell you what they are really thinking.

I know that's bullcrap. I could get them to tell me damn near anything.

But it was me who was closed off and insular... It took 20 years after leaving Japan for me to open up about myself and my time in that country.

No one knew how angry I was or how insecure I was because I wouldn't let my true feelings be know.

I'm glad this blog allows me a chance to right that wrong even if it's 20+ years after the fact.

Obviously I still don't reveal how I'm really doing at this very moment.

Although, for a couple of years, I did do that in another blog I wrote - even if I did use another name and persona.

John Lennon knew it: Everybody's got something to hide, except for me and my monkey.

Okay... back to a real blog tomorrow. Thanks for allowing me to muse without having to be amusing.

That was always difficult, by the way... always having a smile on your face... always having to be "on".

I told someone about that once... she asked me why I had to be on all the time... I didn't have a good enough answer for her then.

I think it was something along the lines of: you wouldn't like me when I'm angry, ala David Banner (the name used on the television show for Bruce Banner, the Incredible Hulk).

But really, now that I'm forced to think about it, I believe "pretending" to be happy all the time stopped me from sinking into a deep funk of non-clinical depression.

However, knowing that that's what I was doing also was kind of depressing.

It was a double-edged sword...

I think what keeps me sane and what kept me reasonably sane in Japan was the fact that I constantly psycho analyzed myself. I don't know if sane people do that, but it sort of has always kept me in tune with myself and the world around me.

Somewhere exhaling,
Andrew Joseph
PS: My baseball team isn't very good and I blame myself, because the captain always goes down with his ship. My mother-in-law has cancer and has, I suspect, days left. Along with the financial help she has provided (and now what do we do?), there's that whole mortality thing. Am I really surprised when I actually wake-up each morning and have to go to work? Why am I surprised?
It's raining now... and my knees hurt... it sucks getting old, but as my mother-in-law is showing me, there is a worse alternative.
Okay... I feel better. Thanks, people. I needed to decompress.
Believe it or not, writing about personal stuff like this is far easier than writing other types of blogs. 

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