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Monday, December 19, 2011

Smile Or I'll Spank You!

Y'know...  if you have to provide an electrical stimulus to make your child smile, perhaps you, as a parent, are the real reason the child doesn't smile.

Or, granted... some kids are just gloomy. Perhaps it's a chemical imbalance. Perhaps its a deformation with the nerve endings surrounding the child's mouth muscles... whatever... but if it's not something medical, then this invention is just effing wrong.

Check out the photo above. I just love how it caters to the parent's need to impress their parents regarding how the grandchild has been reared!

Doesn't that pretty little girl look happy? No. It looks like a forced smile... like Mommy and daddy both take turns physically beating me and then made me do this stupid advertisement so that I could one day be ridiculed in the Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife blog.

Anyways... presented for your perverse pleasure and mine, comes this relatively new invention called the Electro Smile, a shocking new way to make sure your brat keeps that smiling happy face on while visiting child protection service or grandma. 

Okay... this idea - and god help us, I hope it's still only an idea - came out about a year ago.

Some Japanese inventor has a new invention that hooks onto a child's ears - akin to glasses, and probably equally as socially uncool (your author could set fire to an ant at 20 paces with his Coke-bottle glasses as a child). Another part of the device goes under the chin (see photo).

It's that part under the chin that sends a constant pulse of electricity up into your child's cheeks.

(I know... many of you deviant muckers, including your author, have already thought of many different uses for the device. My dog still won't come near me three days later... and my testicles tingle.)
The smile-darn-ya Electro Smile has a few settings, ranging from Low (Good to see you, Grandma's friends) to Medium (Ommigawd, Grandma, how did you know I needed a new sweater for my daily life in Hawaii?!) to High (I'm sure to get that role as the Cheshire Cat now!), and your child's face will light up with a smile sure to soften the visage of even the hardest cynic or elementary school theater critic.

Is anyone else afraid at the comment on the ad that says: "slap a smile and grin fast"? Slap? The child may smile, but who is grinning? 

And batteries NOT included? Bastards! I feel the need to hit a small child!

I also find the ad intriguing where it notes: "Your kids will look happy with the push of a button." Yup... look happy - not be happy.

According to the 'ad', the only side effect is a slight twitching of the face - not a problem! People will be too busy applauding your keen parenting skills at having raised such a happy child that you won't even notice the kid's discomfort!

And besides... isn't it worth year's of psycho-therapy for your child if it means YOU look good in everyone else's eyes? It almost makes the beatings you took as a child for not smiling enough almost bearable. (twitch)

Somewhere grinning hideously,
Andrew Joseph


  1. I want one for my kids!

  2. I'm really hoping this isn't real. It says there's a 30-Ampere super shock setting, which leads me to doubt the existence of such a device. A single amp can kill an adult human. So... hopefully this is satire.