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Saturday, January 21, 2012

Andrew's Worst Pick-Up Line

Oh man... I am so going to regret this... but I'll be brave. In yesterday's blog - HERE - I offered you my best pick-up line ever. Not much is different between that attempt and this one except that for this example I have a wing-man and I'm toasty, but perhaps not drunk. I mean... I wish I had that as an excuse.

This blog is dedicated to Luke, Mike and Matthew - but especially to Luke who seems to believe I have some magical powers over women.

I am a Canadian of Indian descent (dot not the feather) not that that is important to any woman I've ever tried to pick-up. I've been in Japan for 30 months now, and while I don't consider myself one, others do consider me to be a 'player'.

This occurs sometime in 1993 and I was somewhere in Japan as an assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme.

If I'm less than clear in the facts, I do know I was drinking. I'm pretty sure I was at some sort of JET teacher's conference... probably a mid-year conference of some sort.

My good friend Colin McKay was with me. He's from Calgary, Canada. I'm from Toronto. I'm 28... and even though I was a virgins some 30 months before I came to Japan, I should still know better, as I have slept with over 20 women since then while not cheating on my girlfriend of 17 months.

Anyhow... for some reason, Colin and I are visiting the hotel room of two women we met down at some party - whose names are thankfully lost to the ages.

Our attempts at getting laid don't appear to be going very well.

Somehow the tall lanky brunette I like chirps up that she is Jewish.

Not knowing any better, and yet still providing the truth, I brag: "Hey! My grandmother's a Jew!"

Nothing but silence for six seconds, until Colin screws his face up at me and asks: "Is that the best you've got?"

I say: (shaking my head slowly) "It appears so."

Says Colin: "Then we should leave now."

I nod weakly in acquiescence and say goodnight to the two women as I close the hotel room door behind me.

I could hear the two women howl in laughter as I left.

Needless to say Colin gave me the gears on that one and took great delight in telling every one of my very lame attempt at picking up a woman.The worst part was that I wanted the other woman.

I resolved to not be a player ever again.

Somewhere still shaking my head,
Andrew Joseph


  1. Well, maybe you're lucky. The first girl in school I really liked was a girl named Stella Kravitz. Hell, what's in a name? I didn't know she was Jewish... In fact, when it comes to this sort of thing I don't really care and wonder why people do care so much. I though Stella was a cutie and imagined her being my girlfriend... Well, that is, until I went to her house one day and she offered me raw chopped liver... As she was chomping on it I imagined kissing her... Nope! The smell of raw liver was too much...

  2. Hey! By some strange coincidence I was an extra in the movie Stella, starring alongside Bette Midler and John Goodman. Look at the scene in the bar where they are dancing. I got paid $150 - now that ain't chopped liver! I would have got $250 if I had kissed John Goodman. $350 for kissing Bette. I have my standards.