Search This Blog & Get A Rife

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The End

Does any one remember the opening line to the 1979 movie Apocalypse Now? I'm replacing 'Saigon' with my own hell hole.

"Kaneda Kita Chu... sh!t."

It's the only one of the seven junior high schools I team-teach at as an assistant English teacher on the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme that I loathe.  

The school it self is a newly constructed building - looks great - the teachers are nice and friendly - but the students... oy vey! they are horrible little bastards.

Of course, not all of them are... but there does seem to be a high level of asshole behavior from more students for me to have a negative impression.

It's Monday, November 18, 1991.

Mrs Gunji the school nurse picks me up at my lovely, large apartment (I'm not being sarcastic! It's huge!) at 8AM. It's really cold in her tiny, white car with the dampness all over the windows and surrounding metal.

She chatters with me amicably for a full 15 minutes in Japanese. I've been here for nearly 16 months, but I don't understand much of what she says. She doesn't understand much of what I say in English, but we do like each other. I can tell she has a good heart, and that's important to me.

Now don't get all excited here... I'm 27 years-old and one great big horn dog - especially after losing my virginity 15  months ago... but she's in her mid-50s... I while I may one day sleep with a 50-year-old, I've not yet been with anyone older than 36 yet. Or even younger than 22. Besides... I don't want Nurse Gunji bragging to her friends about me.

I only have two classes today, which is fine because my body is quite sore after Saturday night's romp with Junko... who, despite my cajoling, wants to remain my secret girlfriend. That's cool. I don't want to change or situation. Both of us are single. And while I am still sleeping with my ex-girlfriend, Junko does have a current boyfriend.

I know Junko likes me a lot... and me her... ahhhh, I'm going to get all maudlin here. Let's get back to what's going on.

My classes are actually interrupted by a surprise visit by the OBOE (Ohtawara Board of Education) office who have come in to view our team-teaching of English (and other classes), and are actually grading the teachers and their interaction with both the students and with myself!

I think it's because in my weekly reports I glow about every single school I go to, but rant and rave about the horrors of this one school. So... they have come to see first-hand what all the hubbub is about. 

Just like when you take your car into the mechanic to complain about some noise that sounds like rickety-ta-tat-a-trat and then is quiet when its actually being checked out, so too are my students well-behaved. All of them.

I feel like an asshole.

But then I feel vindicated.

After a class with some first-years (Grade 7), where the teaching and learning was pretty good, I was hanging out with them after lunch. Apparently a large percentage of first-year boys seem to enjoy sticking their fingers up the crack of my ass.

Now... I am wearing underwear and dress slacks, so these kids aren't trying to do a Junko - so I am quite annoyed.

Luckily one of the OBOE was quietly walking around when he observed a boy doing crack.

The yelling and screaming was awe-inspiring! It was the OBOE representative coming to my rescue, it was the boy crying and naming names, it was the OBOE representative screaming at the boy's home-room teacher and there was a lot of bowing and apologizing along with the odd smack on the back of the head from the home-room teacher to an ever-alternating line-up of male students.

I walked away quietly... slunk away, actually and went to the washroom to pull my underwear out of my ass and then went to the teacher's office for a cup of green tea (o-cha) served immediately by the prettiest, young teacher the school could muster (meh.)

The OBOE was apparently meeting with the school's principal and vice-principal in their office when I saw my savior come walking in, quickly followed by the home-room teachers, eight young first-year boys, and two quietly embarrassed third-year girls whom I suppose were witnesses to my asshole being deflowered.

Oh well... I'm sure that will all stop. Thank god none of the little buggers was sniffing their fingers afterwards. Weirdness.  I am a weirdness magnet. It beats not having anything happen...

After Nurse Gunji drives me home early (it was all too harrowing, and the OBOE felt I should end my day now), I ride my bicycle over to a grocery store and buy a load of fruits and veggies that are supposed to be good for avoiding prostate troubles... and then go home and walk over to my night school adult English class. Shoko looks hot, but she's too shy, adding to that whole feeling of the day being a pain in my ass.

After class, I stop off at the video store, go home and watch TV before curling up with a biography on Frank Zappa.

Frank died a year later of prostate cancer.

Somewhere, this is the end of this blog,
Andrew Joseph
Today's blog title is by The Doors. Those of you who had viewed Apocalypse Now will recall the chilling carpet bombing attack on Vietnam with this music playing. The song has nothing to do with my ass. 


  1. It's for reasons like these that I'm glad I never worked in a school, but rather in Eikaiwa instead.
    I've heard from other JETs the various ridiculousness that the students get up to.
    I visited a school for a day once and it wasn't long before they were asking if I was a virgin, how big my penis was, etc. etc.- I was like "Woah, dude, what the hell? No private questions, kthx!"

    1. The private questions - that's funny... but to be perfectly honest... if someone has the cajones to ask me in English I will answer them. Whatever... I would tell them some slightly larger number for my penis size knowing full well that it would quickly make the town grapevine and I could sleep with any number of women. No one asked me if I was a virgin, though. Even the woman who claimed my virginity refused to believe I was a virgin until that time. Porn can can teach one the basics!