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Monday, January 23, 2012

An Interview With Godzilla - Part II

Blurry LEGO Godzilla
Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife (JIAWR) recently scored the first ever interview with Godzilla, King of the Monsters.
Part I is presented HERE  - and all should read it before proceeding - not because you missed anything important like the ORIGIN of Godzilla, which you did! - but mostly because JIAWR only gets paid depending on the number of hits the blog gets. He doesn't get money, but rather is paid in ego points.
The previous part of the interview also revealed how Godzilla was wrongly targeting Japan for his troubles - and should have instead been angry at the U.S.
Will we learn anything new in this interview? Read on, oh gentle reader. Read on...

JIAWR: So, Godzilla... once you were awoken from your multi-million-year slumber, you were a changed dinosaur?

God: Yes. Yes I was.

JIAWR: Could you elaborate?

God: Yes, I can.

JIAWR: Will you elaborate?

God: Yes, I will. 


God: You're kindda pushy for something I often pick out from my navel on a daily basis.

JIAWR: You have a bellybutton?

God: I prefer the term navel, but no. I'm a reptile born in an egg. There was no umbilical cord attached between my mother and myself and thus I possess no navel.

JIAWR: So what type of dinosaur are you?

God: I no longer consider myself a dinosaur, except perhaps in my choice of music, but really, my transformation occurred when I was a young pup and back then I was truly a bestial creature - all I know is that I was always hungry. For meat.

JIAWR: And now?

God: I am hungry for meat.

JIAWR: ...

A tracheotomy couldn't slow down Godzilla's smoking.
God: Just kidding. I'm hungry for anything! Meat, plastic, metal, glass, wood... you name it, I've eaten it! Oh... where are my manners? Would you care for a snack? I have some semi-frozen Smog Monster? I finally killed him last week. By the way, world... you're welcome!

JIAWR: Uh... no thanks. I'm trying to cut down on my industrial pollution.

God: Me, too! After this last cigarette, I'm quitting! Though nobody likes a quitter! SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!

JIAWR: And thank-you, Godzilla, for helping us quit using the smog monster as an excuse for our own problems. The world owes you an incredible debt of thanks. 

God: Thanks are fine, but a monster can not live on mere words alone. I should know, I did eat that dictionary factory - Kenkyusha, I believe - in Tokyo once.

JIAWR: Yes, I recall that. Were there any lingering after-effects?

God: Well, I did have verbal diarrhea for weeks... I still don't think people are allowed to go to Fukushima. My breath isn't the only thing that is radioactive.

JIAWR: I thought Fukushima was afflicted by that nuclear power plant spewing radioactive materials into the air, water and ground.

God: I was kidding. Jodan desu! What? Too soon? SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!

JIAWR: Maybe.

God: Okay, seriously then... being a radioactive mutant monster, when I ate the dictionary factory of Japanese to English and English to Japanese books, I developed this fantastic diction I spew forth from my rubbery lips. Until then I could only say "SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!"

JIAWR: Oh, so that's why no one had ever had an interview with you before.

God: Yes, that and the fact that I have been kind of anti-social. But you? I like all of those ridiculous haiku that you have been publishing about me.

JIAWR: Thanks! They are ridiculous but fun! Now... if we could get back to the interview...

God: We haven't left the interview. I am sure you shall write in every single word I have said.

JIAWR: Oh, no... I would ne-

God: Or else.

JIAWR: Right you are! So... since becoming cognizant and being able to communicate with humans, do you have any regrets?

God: Regrets? Oh sure. When I first woke up from my million-year sleep, I was a tad confused. I was suddenly no longer a 35-foot long juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex - I'm only guessing that I was one based on examination and guesswork of my current physical structure - I think I may also have eaten a book on dinosaurs - and now I was a 400-foot tall walking monster with radioactive breath thrust into a world I was wholly unfamiliar with.

JIAWR: 20th century Japan?

God: Yes. Have you ever seen the Japanese talk?

JIAWR: Only in the movies...

God: Yes! Then you know what I am talking about! They open their mouths and words sometime come out. And when they close their mouth, words continue to come out! It's freaky!

JIAWR: I think that is only in the movies.

God: You just said that! Regardless, Andrew-human, as I was saying, when I first awoke, I was confused. I accidentally capsized a fishing fleet as I was walking from out of the ocean - and why was I in the ocean? It wasn't bath night? How could I suddenly breath underwater? I don't know, but now I could.

JIAWR: There goes that line of questioning...
Godzilla's Visine commercial.

God: And when I stumbled out onto the land, I tripped on some power lines and accidentally took out a couple of Japan's prefectures. And then as I continued to stumble around in a daze with the power lines wrapped around my awesomely muscular legs, I tripped on Tokyo.

JIAWR: You tripped on Tokyo?

God: Yes. But it wasn't just the power lines around the feet that caused me to start falling around Tokyo... it was those damn electric and neon signs!

JIAWR: Yes, Tokyo has a lot of neon! I think the neon confuses a lot of foreigners who go to Tokyo for the first time, as back in Canada and the U.S., when one sees a neon sign it probably means there's a massage parlor about.

God: What the hell are you talking about? SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!

JIAWR: Nothing. Go on...

Sonnuvabitch! My God-nads!
God: Well... all of those signs flashing at my kneecaps caused me to go into some sort of an epileptic seizure.


God: Yes! I began thrashing around in convulsions! I smashed building with my fists, with my tail and stomped Tokyo back into the Cretaceous Period. So even though Tokyo looked like where I was born, I still felt bad about all of the destruction of the buildings.

JIAWR: And let's not forget the human life. You did take out about 4,700 people including a junior high school.

God: Oh myself! I feel so terrible! SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!

JIAWR: You are sad?

God: No! SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk! You humans are like puny ants to me! Do you weep when you step on an anthill? That was sarcasm!

JIAWR: Uhhhh, let's move on. Godzilla... your recent work with children has been phenomenal.

God: Thank-you! Since I became literate, I have been stomping my way through the various prefectures of Japan trying to educate children on the importance of reading.

JIAWR: Yes... we have a photograph of you doing that right here... cute.
Godzilla's education programme.

God: Yes... I really do love children - with barbeque sauce. Kidding! SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!

JIAWR: I notice that in this photograph, you seem like you are only about seven-feet tall? What's going on there?

God: Actually that's just some great trick photography done by my agent.

JIAWR: Really? You may not have known this, but I was actually a few kilometers nearby when this photo was taken - and I saw something completely different.

God: All right! All right! Don't be a hater! You got me! That damn radiation I emit caused those cute little kids to mutate into 200-foot high monsters!


God: Yes! But it's okay... After I did some teaching of kanji, I gave each of them a monster-back ride!

JIAWR: I bet they enjoyed that!

God: Oh yes! Right up until they died painfully from radiation poisoning... some strange element that you don't have on your Periodic Table yet.  
JIAWR: There goes that line of questioning - I mean, wow, how horrible.

God: I notice you didn't use exclamation marks.

JIAWR: Kids. Meh.

God: You are one cold bastard, Andrew-human. Perhaps in another time and place, you and I could have been friends.

JIAWR: We could still be friends now...

God: Yes... but remember... you were the one who insisted on a face-to-face interview.

JIAWR: Kiso (Sh!t)!

God: Here... have a truckload of Iodine pills.

JIAWR: (crunch-crunch)

God: Feel any better?


God: Didn't think so.

JIAWR: Well... let's try and get this interview done and make it a good one, if this is going to be my legacy.

God: Sure, sure, kid. What do you want to know?

JIAWR: Well... what is like being the king of the monsters?

Japanese re-make of Gilligan's Island. Godzilla plays Girrigan.
God: It's lonely, Andrew-human. So very lonely.

JIAWR: (barrrrrrffff) Sorry...

God: Being a misunderstood monster, you humans began following me around with cameras.
JIAWR: Kind of an invasion of privacy?

God: I'm 400-feet tall! What sort of privacy do you think I have? And let me tell you... being followed around by a camera crew really cut into my actions with the lady lizards!

JIAWR: There are lady lizards?

God: Sure! Why do you think I'm always 'fighting' Titanosaurus and Gabarah? We're not really fighting... it's just the way us monsters get, you know... intimate.

JIAWR: Was your son Minilla a result of one of those liaisons?

God: Minilla... damn you, human. Why did you have to mention Minilla? SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!

End of Part 2.
In the final installment, we will delve further into Godzilla's love life and his family, as well as a brief look into his movie career.
Excerpts of the interview: 
"She didn't have a tail, but I sure got some!"
"I really do love children - but Minilla was a troubled child."
"Being considered a movie star by the humans was a bit unexpected especially after annihilating many of their cities - but being given a Nobel Peace Prize was a bit unexpected.
This and more in Part 3, out soon.

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