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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Been Down So Long

Do you know what's better than not having a woman who doesn't want to be your boyfriend or sleep with you?

Me either.

I've had one of those for months now, and the stress I felt while we were together would have broken me a long time ago if I realized I was stressed.

Do you know what sucks? It's having a woman who wants to sleep with you, but only does so on her terms. Why does that suck? Because it's selfish. I've also had one of those for months now.

Do you know what I want?

It's simple.

To feel like I am wanted. That I matter. And yet, here again, I sit with my pen and paper and jot stupid notes like this into my diary that I will never read again. I hope.

I've been down a lot lately. More than up, unfortunately. 

It's Tuesday, December 10th and it's 1991 and I'm living (sort of) in a small city called Ohtawara in the prefecture of Tochigi in Japan.

I've been pretending that nothing bothers me, but in truth, everything bothers me. Every single damn thing. About women.

I'm an assistant English teacher here, team-teaching with a Japanese teacher of English at seven junior high schools in the city.  I love the people around me. I do. I love seeing the kids and talking to them. I love being a small part of the lives of these kids - even for a fleeting moment - and wonder if one day they will think of me fondly. I really do think like this.

I just want to matter. 

Do you know what I want? I want to be able to communicate. In all of my so-called 'relationships' (you can tell I'm not pleased, as I used 'quote marks' and said 'so-called'), I have not had any problem in communicating my feelings or what I want from a friend or a girlfriend. And, to some degree, neither have they - initially. 

It's when things progress, or the rules change, so too do people. Some people handle change and roll with whatever life throws at them. Others need to formulate a plan of action or a plan of inaction while never really knowing just what the hell they actually want from life.

How can you make plans to do something if you have no idea what it is you want to do? You can't.

Sometimes, it's just best to let the chips fall where they may. That sucks, though.  I wish I had more control - any control... but I don't.

But I still know what I want. I'm still searching for it. You can tell I'm a communicative type of person. Do you know what I want? I want someone who can communicate with me. It didn't have to be all physical as it was with my secret girlfriend, Junko. It didn't have to be so intellectual as it was with my ex-friends-with-benefits Ashley.

I want a combination of both with the added benefit of emotional support. Someone to tell me I'm doing all right or there-there, things will look brighter tomorrow. I know they will... but sometimes it's just nice to hear someone else tell you stuff you already know.

Do you know why relationships fail? It's not because one person loves another more than the other - as Ashley tried to explain to me a few days ago - it's because people are unable to communicate effectively. That's just my own opinion, and right or wrong, at least I have one. 

How do you communicate with someone suffering with mental illness or a social anxiety disorder if they always have their guard up? I'm not saying you shouldn't try - by all means try. But it takes two to tango. Two to dance that beautiful dance of love. If one isn't pulling their weight, the tango suffers. And that would be such a shame for such a beautiful dance that everyone wishes they could do and do well, but so few are able to achieve.

I don't know how to dance, but I can dance well enough.

So... why am I so sad?

Because I'm going to do something stupid...

Somewhere I wander in communicado,
Andrew Joseph
Relax... I'm not a suicidal kind of guy. Never enters the equation. But, a lack of suicidal tendencies still does not mean I am level-headed. Never claimed to be anybody except myself. I think, however, that sometimes it sucks to be me. I should write that down.
Today's blog is by The Doors:

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