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Sunday, March 4, 2012

An Interview With Godzilla - Part III

Welcome to the third and final installment of Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife's Interview With Godzilla.

No idea what we are talking about? Here you go: 
Part 1
Part 2

We halted our interview when Godzilla, the man, the myth, the king of the monsters broke down after we asked about his son, Minilla.

After giving the big guy a few moments to settle himself, Godzilla settled down, reborn with a new look of fierceness and strength (see image above).

To save the poor transcriber, we have shortened the names to: God (Godzilla) and JIAWR (Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife).

JIAWR: Are you there, God?

God: Yes. Sorry about that Andrew human. You just caught me off guard there for a moment.

JIAWR: Apparently. I'm sorry I made you cry.

God: Cry? Is that what you think I just did? SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk! What city are you from?!

JIAWR: What?

God: I said, what city are you from?!

JIAWR: Toronto...

God: Consider it destroyed!

JIAWR: Uh... did I say Toronto? I meant Manchester.

God: Which one?

JIAWR: Does it matter?

God: No! Consider them all destroyed!

JIAWR: Good! Now... wait a moment... before you go stomping off... you'll recall we have already paid you for a complete interview...

God: Who cares? You'll be dead soon enough after this interview is over.

JIAWR: Was that a threat?

God: No. Merely a statement of fact. It shall be painful. SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!

JIAWR: Well then, since you can't hurt me any further (whatever it is you are talking about), you had better let me finish the interview before the lawyers get involved...

God: Lawyers?! Good grief Andrew-human! I was just kidding! SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk! Don't you know when a reptilian monster is joking with you, you cold-hearted bastard.

JIAWR: Did you just call me cold-hearted?

God: (sigh) Yes. Sometimes a whispered aside to myself is like the crumbling of the Tokyo Tower after I go for my evening constitutional. Ka-boom!
Artist's rendition of Godzilla taking a dump near Tokyo Tower.

JIAWR: I see.

God: I notice you didn't take offense at being called a bastard...

JIAWR: If that was another aside... I can still hear you!

God: ...

JIAWR: What?

God: Come cl...

JIAWR: What?

God: Come closer...

JIAWR: Okay...

For a good time, call Titanosaurus - 555-4747
God: SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk! Can you hear me now?! How do you like being deaf?!

JIAWR: I'm wearing earplugs. I'm not stupid.

God: You... shou...wor a radiati suit. I'm a fuc..g radioact monst with 32 different elemen... too, you kno. SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!

JIAWR: What? Ah, never mind. Let's talk about your son, Minilla. What the hell is with his name?

God: (sigh) It was his mother's idea.

JIAWR: Was the mother Titanosaurus or Gabarah? They were both pretty hot.

God: You have surprisingly good taste for a human!

JIAWR: Hee. Thanks. What can I say? I likes what I likes...

God: Myself included. You know that both Titanosaurus and Gabarah were models?

Gabarah as a model for Kaiju Kits in 1992.
JIAWR: I did know that. In fact, I used to have Gabarah's poster up on my wall!

God: I think I know the one you mean. She was so hot! Oh! And the sex! Oy gevalt! She didn't have a tail, but I sure got some! SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk!

JIAWR: Yeah! High-five, buddy!

God: ...

JIAWR: Hey! Don't leave me hangin'!

God: I'm 400-feet tall. You do not want me to high-five you.

JIAWR: Right. So who was the mother of Minilla?

God: It was Gabarah.

JIAWR: Yes! So what can you tell me about Gabrah's pregnancy? How long was it? Did it go as expected? Did she have any cravings?

God: ...
Minilla, also known as Minya (left) and his mother Gabarah.

JIAWR: What? Why are you looking at me like that?

God: You know I'm a guy lizard, right? How the heck would I know what she did during her pregnancy?! I was out scoping out other lady lizards!

JIAWR: That's not cool.

God: Look... all I know is that she laid an egg somewhere and then someone or something cracked the little bugger up prematurely... That's why he's the way he is.

JIAWR: What do you mean?

God: I mean, look at him... he's so tiny! He doesn't have radioactive breath...

JIAWR: That's because he's a child!

God: It's more than that... I really do love children - with barbeque sauce! No seriously, Andrew-human, I do love children, but Minilla was a troubled child.

JIAWR: What do you mean?

God: Well, my agent and publicists were forever keeping things out of the media...


God: Well, if I told you, I'd be blowing the whole work of those people, now wouldn't I?

JIAWR: Please? Pretty please?

God: Oh all right. It's not like you will have time to do anything with this interview before you die.

JIAWR: What do you mean? (Cough-cough)

Minilla farting and blaming it on Rio de Janeiro
God: Nothing... anyhow, at first there was the lying to his mother. Doing things and then blaming some poor town or village which would cause Gabarah to go on a rampage. It doesn't take much for a monster lizard to go on a rampage... but then she would find out he had made it up... like ohhh, Moscow said your legs look fat - and off she would go.

JIAWR: So it wasn't a nuclear accident?

God: It's good to have excellent spin-doctor's on one's team. Then as he got older, Minilla started to steal. We're monsters. We're not really evil... but Minilla? It was like, "Where did you get London Bridge from? Or how come you have the Taj Mahal?"

JIAWR: I thought it was terrorists?!

God: He was a little terror. But when he raped that human girl in Brazil.... I don't know if you know what happens to a human raped by a 150-foot tall monster, but it's not pretty.

JIAWR: But you've destroyed Tokyo time and time again!

God: Sure! But that was only because I thought retribution was in order. Monsters have a code. We destroy only when we are bothered. Leave us alone, and we leave you alone. But Minilla... Minilla... he couldn't get that through his thick skull.

JIAWR: So what did you do?

God: At first his mother thought it was because his father wasn't around... so she asked me to do some dad things with him. I came over to Monster Island as fast as I could, and then we swam back to Japan and we took in a few sights. We watched a ball game, saw some kabuki theater, ate a sushi restaurant, smashed Mt. Fuji - you know, typical tourists things... but he... he...

JIAWR: Was so evil?

God: No! I just hated his guts! I mean look at him! He was a cartoon version of myself! Who the hell needs that? He was screwing up my reputation as King of the Monsters! I'm Godzilla dammit!

JIAWR: Yes...

God: So I did what I had to do...

JIAWR: You killed him? (cough-cough-cough-cough)

God: No! What are you - nuts? Why would I kill my own son?

JIAWR: Sorry, sorry, sorry....

God: Oh my Buddha! Kill my own son! What is wrong with you humans? I sent him to boarding school!


God: I'm a movie star! I mean, sure I've destroyed many of your cities, and have even been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize - which was completely unexpected...

JIAWR: Yeah, well, considering Alfred Nobel invented dynamite, I question the whole 'peace prize' thing.

God: Me, too. Still... I like peace, so I ate the award.

JIAWR: Yeah? How was it?

God: It gave me explosive diarrhea. Don't go to Paris for a few centuries.

JIAWR: It will take that long to be safe?

God: No, of course not. I just don't like Paris. Nice is nice, though.

JIAWR: Yes... Nice is nice.So then what happened to Minilla? Oh... I feel...

God: Well, once he was enrolled in school, but before the first payment was made, I sent a note to Mechagodzilla calling him a rust bucket and signed Minilla's name. Mechagodzilla killed him.

JIAWR: ...

God: I'm kidding! SKrroooooonnnn-nnnnk! Lighten-up!... Andrew-human?! Andrew-human?... dead? It's about time this interview was over.

And thus ends Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife's interview with Godzilla. It's not the way we wanted to end it, as the reporter Andrew-human did die from either radiation poisoning from whatever it is that Godzilla emits or from eating some bad sushi.

Luckily we found his digital recorder amongst the rubble of the sushi restaurant where he and Godzilla held the interview. Also on the plus side, since he's dead we don't have to pay Andrew for his stellar work. Not that this blog would have anyways.

Please come back and read another free installment of Japan - It's A Wonderful Rife whenever we can convince some other poor schmuck to work for free.


  1. When he gets broken up about his kid, kinda reminds me of Muhammed Ali for some reason

  2. Is this the script for a comic? Should be... Of course, he'd be smoking a cigar.

  3. A comic book? I wish. I kind of just write these things up on the spot and then just check to see if I spelled things reasonably well.

    It would make a great video perhaps?

    Thanks Mike...

    Ali? Really? I love Ali. He signed a baby picture of mine that my dad had - back in London, England, when my dad spied him near a hotel with no one around him... my dad was taking me for a stroll in the pram... he had just changed his name, too... my dad called him Cassius.. and was corrected... I was picked up and kissed by Ali... then the three of us went to a restaurant in the hotel where my dad and he each had a glass of milk... being a savage, I drank from the bottle. My dad asked if he was going to beat his opponent because he hates white guys (forget the name right now)... because the media was all over the Black vs. white thing... but Ali said he doesn't hate anyone... that it was all made up by the media... much like the interview with Godzilla. I have the autographed photo somewhere.