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Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Farts In Arts: My Ukiyo-e Smells Funny

I was looking for something interesting to celebrate the U.S. of A's birthday today, but instead of presenting the history of the Black Ships that opened up Japan, I thought I would try something different.

Now... I know that many of my dear readers are women. Classy broads who never laugh or have a good time. Yeah... right. Everyone has a sense of humor, so I hear. I'm married, so I'm not sure anymore. Ba-dum-bum.

However, being a funny guy, I am also very much aware about what constitutes good humor and bad humor - for myself. It varies from individual to individual. And that's what makes the world a bit more interesting... it keeps the joke tellers on their toes.

I enjoy a good laugh. But being a funny guy, it can make others who consider themselves less funny, to not want to tell me a joke. Pshaw! I love the attempt and always laugh at the joke. Keep that in mind when I tell you a joke.

Heck... a woman I met last year - Caroline - the first time EVER that we spoke on the telephone, immediately after I said hello, she, without saying hello, immediately began a story explaining how she once got kicked out of the Girl Guides for setting fire to some drapes at a meeting. Well, hello to you, too! Talk about making an impression! You realize you could tell her anything, and it wouldn't phase her.

My friend Anne Marie Scheffler is one of the funniest professional women I know. I have know a lot of professional women - but Anne Marie is different. She's a professional comedian. You look at this diminutive 'blonde' cutie-pie and marvel at the truths and dirty words coming out of her mouth and realize you could tell her anything, and it wouldn't phase her.

My friend Deb can write - well and funny - and puts out a couple of blogs on my list to the right. I know, from having known her for geez... seven or eight years, now(?) that I can tell her anything and it wouldn't phase her.

And yet... despite the heroic tales and tails of these GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies Of Wit), not once have I ever heard a fart joke from them. In fact... despite the fact that I am sure (pretty sure) that each one of them farts... I do not believe I have ever heard either of them even flutter the word fart.

Back in Japan: Ashley, Noboko, Junko, Kyoko, Takako, Mayumi, Christine, Kristine, Ovaltine... no one ever mentioned the word 'fart' in a conversation. Again, I may be overstepping my boundaries here, but I'm pretty sure they have all at least farted once in their life.

Surely it's not just cows and men exploding methane into the atmosphere? It's not just men who talk about farts, naming them like we would a child. 

Women - while I'm not saying I need to be around when you fart - it is okay to let your pantyhose swell if you really have to go.

By the way... did you know that methane is lighter than air? That means that when you fart, you actually get heavier. Hmm... I'm not making my case here. Perhaps women everywhere already know this, and refuse to fart lest they put on weight. That would make sense.

Okay... forget I said anything. 

Meanwhile, please enjoy these amusing pieces of Japanese artwork done about 150 years ago featuring the subject matter of farts.

Please note that the artist(s) are men (no idea who!), and the subjects performing the farts (the fartists) are men, too. They are all artwork on Japanese scrolls obviously done for comedic intent.

I once farted through a table.

Fans of clean air battle back.

How samurai really fought...

Saving gas - farting into a bag.

Holy crap! Women farting? Who knew? Their silence is deadly.

Dine and dash? Dine, fart and dash!

Some people are dog people.

Kind of makes you wonder what they ate?

Wasabi burns twice. In and out.

I once had a fart contest against my Uncle Denny. There were no survivors.

Even the trees are not safe!

Captured farts released in one big atomic explosion!

Why Mt. Fuji is covered by clouds.

The best defense is a good offense.

Even the God-like spirits - the Kappa - get involved, seen here blowing a couple of fishermen away in ukiyo-e art by Kyosai Kawanabe (surname first) from the series Kappa no he circa 1863-1866.

Looks like Team Rocket is blasting off againnnnnnnnn!!!!

But fret not, fishermen get their revenge by farting on the Kappa, seen here below, in ukiyo-e art by Yoshitoshi Tsukioka (surname first) - in what I can only guess is AFTER 1868, owing to the dark red and rich purple inks used - these colors were NOT used prior to that date (when the Black Ships can and helped open up Japan to the rest of the world - which brings us back to 'do'!).

Strangely, Japan's Fartman comics were not a success.

Does the fact that I am presenting artwork - featuring farts - make this blog even a bit more more high brow?

Dammit. I probably could have got more women to say the word 'fart' or possibly fart if I hadn't mentioned the whole weight thing.

Men? You can thank me later.

Somewhere glad I don't have drapes,
Andrew Joseph  

Pea Ass: Here's an old poem from when I was a kid:

Arty Farty had a party
And everyone was there.
Tootie-Fruity dropped a beauty
And all ran out for air.  


  1. If you insist (female-centric, to boot):

    What did the maxi-pad say to the fart? 
    You are the wind beneath my wings. 


    1. Thank-you! I'll take the XO!
      Hmmm... It tis an ancient mariner... and he stoppeth one of three...
      Good joke darlin'!

  2. Quisque comoedus est


    1. I was going to ask 'who are you?', but I know.
      The beamish boy *curtsies*

  3. See? I always knew you were brillig :)

    1. I am tea-time. Of course I one wrote a story about a time machine/tea-time set. Join me for tea.

    2. As everyone knows, 'brillig' is Anglo Saxon for 'tea-time'. My friend Alice, here, uses the word to imply my brilliance - because she knows I know what she means.

    3. I'm evidently brilliant times 2 these days.... oy.

    4. Ha! It's the thought that counts.