Search This Blog & Get A Rife

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Feeling Cold About The Heat

When I first arrived in Ohtawara-shi (Ohtawara City), Tochigi-ken (Tochigi Prefecture), Japan back in July of 1990, my three-bedroom, LDK apartment with two balconies, western bathroom and washing machine/dryer combo was not air-conditioned, or equipped with a central heating system.

However, I was so excited about being in the country and getting sex that I didn't care about the heat. Sure it made for some sweaty sex, but what was really irksome to me, were the burns I got on my knees from the tatami mats acting as a floor that my thin futon sat on (while I had sweaty sex).

As soon as it got cool in Japan, however, I was shown how to operate a kerosene heater... a heater with a major flaw, truth be told.

While yes, it does heat the apartment up rather well, it's a kerosene heater, and I was told that I should keep a window open to provide fresh air so that I don't die of poison gas asphyxiation.

Two things wrong with that scenario. Poison gas? What are you freaking kidding me? The poison gas is expelled into the friggin' air as it heats the room? Who invented this? Dr. Kevorkian? Damn! Is that why I was sleepy all the time?

And... keep a window open? In my living room, I do not have a window, per se... I have a large set of sliding doors that face the northern climes... with some wickedly cold winds blowing down from, the  still-active snow-covered volcanoes about 10 kilometers or so away from me.

So... with no window, I would have to open the damn sliding door to my balcony. Uh-huh.

I'm from Canada, and we Canadians don't really complain about the cold... but have you ever sat down on the couch to watch television while 20 kilometer winds from the north blow down on you at  - hell, let's be fair, + 5C? It was October. By January, the temps could be around -2C... which is nothing by Canadian standards. Bah... it's balmy.

But try that for a few hours... one side of you body bombarded by a chilly northern wind... and the right side of the body all nice and toasty from the foul-smelling kerosene heater that is not as foul-smelling thanks to the sliding door being open to dissipate the stench.

You'll notice it's not a complaint about the cold (per se)... it's a 50:50 complaint about the cold and heat.

I discussed this situation with my Ohtawara Board of Education office... they discussed it for what seemed like months, but was in reality only a day, and had a large wall mounted AC/Heater installed in my living room, with no chance of me dying from kerosene poisoning or hypothermia at the same time.

The cost of it came from the JET (Japan Exchange & Teaching) Programme budget they had for me.... and I'll be honest... in three years, they spent money on me for a bi-lingual TV/VCR, a frankensteined large bicycle for me to knock my nuts on, and one set of new tatami mats complete with a new futon bed. Did you know that EVERY DAY, you must roll up or air-dry your futon so that mushrooms do not grow on the tatami mats after you have lots of sweaty sex in a hot apartment - thanks to either the lack of an AC or over-use of my new AC/Heater (the heater portion) in the winter.

They also got me a Queen-sized bed so that I wouldn't burn the hair off my legs while I have hot sweaty sex with a number of women on a near-daily basis. The OBOE office was very considerate of my feelings.

That bed was donated by the family of one of the beautiful Japanese women whom I had hot, sweaty and depending on your morals, pretty disgustingly amazing sex with several times one Saturday evening. I mean, it was like a porno... uh, never mind.

Anyhow... in 2012, in Toronto, Canada where we Canadians are strong like moose and perhaps smart like hockey puck, it's the summer. It's been hotter than Hades (what I used to call my pre-AC apartment in Ohtawara-shi), hovering at 89F at 11PM last Monday evening... I can take the cold, but the fricking heat. I'm covered in hair and fat. This is not a good combination for someone without a working AC - it died on Sunday.

An AC repairman came this morning to look at it, and gave the family (I'm at work) the wonderful news that it will cost Cdn $1,000 to fix due to a compressor having a hole and spilling all the freon gas. I don't have $1000! Screwed again. He also charged $123 to do the house call. Screwed!!Didn't even buy me dinner first!

Freon gas? It may kill me, but won't that make a hole in the ozone above my house? Crap! I also have a hole in the roof! Rain, ozone, heat! Crap!!!!!

In Japan, I would have all of that fixed - yesterday. And I'm NOT getting any hot and sweaty sex either! 

Andrew Joseph

No comments:

Post a Comment