Preamble: This is a story I wrote in Japan about DC Comic's Superman versus Starro The Conqueror. It was written after I visited Saipan while on vacation from Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken, Japan. I was visiting the isle with my bud and fellow AET (assistant English teacher) James Jimmy Jive Dalton formerly of Stoney Creek, Ontario, Canada. I had wandered off my myself to a rocky area where the waves were pounding in a two-feet in height. No.. no very high or strong, but I can't swim and have a fear of drowning... as my reoccurring nightmare has me drowning after I fall through the ice on a frozen river when I'm 87. I know... no ice in Saipan, except for what is in my drink. Saipan is across from Guam. Anyhow... While wandering through the surf cutting my feet on the sharp rocks and coal beneath the waves, I spied a blue starfish that was about 18-inches across. Blue starfish. How freaking awesome was that. I picked it up and stared at it. And then I was inspired to write this story. I altered the spelling and names in case of any infringement, but this is a parody... and Mad Magazine proved that parody is legal. I really did spill a beer on the starfish, though.
There has been a lot of publicity regarding the recent death of Magnificentguy. There have been reports of mental instability, voracious sexual appetite and other rumours that sully his legend. I have been waiting for a major publication to approach me for my story, but none did. Perhaps because none except myself and Magnificentguy knew of it. However, I contacted the editor of the Tatami Times (a small self-publishing magazine once self-published by myself) in the Japanese province of Tochigi, and begged... er, allowed them to publish my tale. Everything in this story is true - you'll have to take my word for it. No names have been changed, except for all but my own to prevent a civil libel lawsuit from those buggers at Da Comic Company. This is my story:
I knew him... back when Staro, the giant starfish, had just finished annihilating all the life on Earth except for me. You say you don't remember the Earth being destroyed? Well, sit back and read on anyways. It's a short story that I'll drag on a bit because I get paid by the inch for these columns.
Staro was getting a tad grumpy at me because I kept beating him at arm wrestling, scissors-rock-paper, and Monopoly. I always like being the car.
Suddenly, from out of the smoky ruins of the downtown Saipan (look it up – I’m not an encyclopaedia, here!) skyline, Magnificentguy flew down from the sky. I looked up, and pressed my hand to my head to shade my eyes from the glare of nuclear Armageddon and said, "It's a bird... it's a plane... it's Magnificentguy!"
From out of nowhere, a narrating voice-over booms out some drivel about his origins and then these trumpets start blaring. Oy gevalt! You should have heard the clarinets whine about that! I later discovered Magnificentguy always travels with his own television soundtrack to play at opportune moments of action.
Anyhow, - get this - he flew up beside me and asked, "Hey, what's with the stupid giant starfish, Timmy?"
I replied, "The name's Andrew, and this is Staro. He's killed everyone on Earth."
"No fooling, eh," said Magnificentguy, (I think he was a Canuck!), "Staro... Staro... Staro... Hey, Timmy, didn't the Justice Avengers of America and I fight him back in issue #47 of The Brave and the Free?"
"Uh, you did, but this is a different one. He was a regular starfish until I accidentally spilled a Coors beer on him. Besides, his name is now spelled differently to avoid a libel suit. And, my name's Andrew."
"Let that be a lesson to you, Timmy. It starts with one beer, and then another and another, until pretty soon you've destroyed the Earth looking for a bottle cap to sniff!"
With tears in my eyes, caused by a strange smell emanating from somewhere, I asked him, "Is there nothing you can do, Magnificentguy? I really have to go to the bathroom."
"I'm not Timmy." (I think the Big Guy was coming down with Alzheimer's disease or Rex Ruthless had shot him with some beam that affected his mind. After all, Timmy Molson had died four years ago in a tragic accident involving Mr. Bubble and an unopened can of spam.)
He continued, "I saw this movie where the superhero goes back in time to halt the bad future from occurring. The superhero guy flies really fast and counter to the Earth's rotation, so that the planet begins to move in the other direction. Despite the fact that this is against all of the known rules of physics, and might cause serious structural damage to the Earth's plate tectonics, I'm willing to give it a shot... after all, I never studied law."
With a nod, and some loud background music, he flew up in the air to cause the Earth to go back in time.
When he came back down, he asked me, "Hey, Timmy, did it work?"
I looked at my watch and told him he'd been gone for twenty minutes. He cursed himself, saying he must have gone the wrong way, and flew up again. You should have seen the determination in his eyes! They were hero eyes!
He flew down and asked me, "Hey, Timmy! Did it work?"
I looked up from the clutches of Staro and said, "Did what work?" (We'd gone back in time and I hadn't met him for the first time yet.)
Anyhow, he flew up, up and away (more trumpets) and went a little further back in time. Everything was as it had been before Staro grew large on beer. Magnificentguy used his heat-vision and exploded Staro's tiny, blue body. Lucky for me, I had a stenographer machine that Staro had used to record Magnificientguy’s conversation with me. That's why I remember the future destruction that killed you all. It doesn't make sense? That's why this is fiction.
And we owe it all to Staro! He'd have made a great reporter. In his memory, I've adopted Staro as my middle name. As for Magnificentguy, well, the Alzheimer's and a bad haircut (and possibly a beam from Rex Ruthless) weakened his mind. He died at the hands of some demented super-villain who has been getting too much media attention, so I'll avoid mentioning his name. (He got on Letterman??!!)
Still, I'm eternally grateful to Magnificentguy for saving me from the evil clutches of Staro, so I could go to the bathroom. Oh, and for saving the world, too.