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Thursday, July 18, 2013

Hey! My Finger Smells Like You!

Boong-Ga Boong-Ga.

I'm not even sure where to begin with the tail of Boong-Ga Boong-Ga, except to perhaps begin at the end.

That's where it always ends up.

Yes, this story has something to do with a Korean-built arcade video game for the Japanese market, butt it actually has its origins in Japan… here now in a tale that will go down in the anals of his-story.

This is the story of 'kancho'. According to the Urban Dictionary, kancho is:
1) repeated pings or probes by hackers on the Internet seeking un authorized access to a computer;

and the better definition which shows the origins of the definition above:
2) a game played by Japanese school children under the age of 12 where they poke their finger(s) in an unsuspecting ass.

… like me…

(I know what I wrote!)

But… Urban Dictionary has it wrong… the whole kancho phenomenon is hardly limited to 11 and unders. Not only did I have it done to me at one of the Japanese junior high schools I taught at (ages 12-15), but I have seen adults do it too.

Kancho is not simply taking an index finger and jamming it up an ass. Even during some sort of afternoon liaison with a woman, I'm not going to jam it.

No… for kancho you form your hands together into a gun shape (yes: bang-bang), except for the barrel, rather than a single finger and thumb trigger, you use the index and middle fingers to form the barrel. The thumbs point upward, and you link the ring and pinkie fingers.

Then… what you do is you sneak up to some poor unsuspecting sap, gaijin or sexy babe (or all three), and from behind, you poke, or double poke if you are feeling extra bold, the barrel of your finger gun into that other person ass… not the cheeks… butt the hole.

Kancho experts are trying to poke you in the asshole.

To make matters worse, after they poke you in the asshole, the kancho bandit will actually sniff his fingers. Right there in front of you.

Now... being poked in the asshole is bad enough, but to have someone sniff their fingers right in front of you... that's disturbing. 

Seriously? WTF is wrong with some people?

Now… I'm no prude. But I am also an adult man. There's sex, and then there's childish games.

Kancho is a childish game performed by immature people and comedians… in which you will note that it is funny to watch mostly because it's not happening to you. It's that same reasoning that  allows me to watch two 230-pound men beat the hell out of each other. I'm just happy that it's not me.

So… yeah… one day at Ohtawara Chu Gakko (Ohtawara Junior High School) in Tochigi-ken back in 1991, I was standing around talking with a group of four seniors (all around 14 or 15 years of age, in Grade 9), when one of the little bastards came up from behind me and kancho'ed me twice in the buttohole.

He didn't even buy me a bag of popcorn first. That's the food equivalent of a reach-around. Butt I totally digress.

I whipped around with the fury of a man hoping beyond hell it was the hot female Phys Ed teacher, but discovered it was a 5'-4" tall monkey-faced boy grinning happily as he dragged his fingers under his nose, inhaled deeply and sighed happily.

At this moment while my back was turned, one of the other boys I had been talking to, saw this as the perfect moment to Pearl Harbor me…. hit twice from behind, this was a day that will live in infamy.

I turned around again… but decided to sidle my ass over to the wall and berate a Japanese kid using the six words of Japanese I knew.

While kid number 2—a tall, well-built boy who looked like he could be the starting quarterback if there ever was a football team in Japan—was grinning while sniffing my butt on his fingers, I yelled at him.

Now… six words of Japanese, right? Well… one of them was 'konoyaro', and the other was 'bakayaro'…

Konoyaro when growled (and I really mean growled) and separated into its syllables (Ko! No! Ya! Ro!), translates into "you… you… you.. guy, you!!!!" and despite its translation, if said correctly - and I did - you can sound like a pissed-of yakuza boss about to take his revenge on your entire family for generations hence.

Bakayaro when screamed, and followed by an open-handed slap to the back of one's head (not your own!), translates into "you stupid idiot!!!".

Obviously saying those two words with less energy lessens the desired effect.

Now… my name of An-doo-ryu, when translated into phonetic Japanese kanji characters, it means: Peaceful-leader-dragon.

Let me just say that there was no An-doo (peaceful leader)… just something for them to rue… enter the Dragon.   
My bellowing quickly drew over a plethora of teachers who screamed at the gathered students to tell them what was going on.

Every student within earshot pointed to these two dumb schmucks and in one uni-mind communique related what had just occurred.

Now… even though I was the wronged party, there was no real harm done to me.

I'm glad they got caught. I hope they learn not to do it again to anyone else. Butt I don't need them to undergo the tortures of Torukemada the vice-principal.

(Just kidding… that was a play on words for Torquemada, the cardinal involved with the Spanish Inquisition - bet you didn't expect that!)

So… the Science Teacher dragged the two boys down to the teacher's office, and I was bowed to and asked to follow, using the only English word the teacher knew: "Please", while bowing and gesturing for me to walk in front of him. I guess he doesn't trust any one when it comes to kancho.

The teacher explained to the principal what happened, and I, with help from one of the English teachers, asked for leniency for the boys.

I know that doing anything stupid to a teacher was very bad. And, while doing something to a gaijin is not as naughty, doing something to a gaijin who is a teacher and honored guess in Japan was akin to blasphemy and high treason rolled into one. (Yeah… JET people… you should considered yourself an honored guest in Japan).

The school wanted to tell the Board of Education and their parents and give them month-long detention, but I asked them just to apologize, say they wouldn't do it again, and we can all live happily ever after - The End.

The last thing I want is to foster a feeling of mistrust with my students… word will get around. I might be an adult and a foreigner and a teacher, but I also want them (the students) to look at me as a friend… my job is to internationalize. Teaching is secondary.

As far as I know, after apologizing, they did not receive further punishment and they didn't get into further trouble.

I do know that while they were still in that school they treated me with respect and friendship and none of us ever mentioned kancho again.

Which brings me to the Korean arcade video game Boong-Ga Boong-Ga devised for Japanese audiences by Taff System.

Essentially you get to poke your controller conveniently shaped like the finger gun, into a 3D ass jutting out from the videogame.

Now… according to those in the know, there are a total of eight characters for the player to kancho: ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, gangster, mother-in-law, gold-digger, prostitute, con-artist and child molester.

During the game, when you correctly poke your finger controller into the asshole, the video image showing a face will howl up in surprise, disgust, excitement and horror. Perhaps pain.

Now… I used to collect ex-girlfriends like some people collect stamps, but while I might have wanted to poke them in the ass, I would not have lumped them into the same category as gangster or child molester. I'm sure even a gangster wouldn't want to be lumped in with the child molester.

Let's not forget… unless consensual, kancho is a form of sexual assault. Only the child molester falls into that category... unless your mother-in-law gives you herpes, of course.

Anyhow… after you play Boong-Ga Boong-Ga, the game will give out cards that rate your sexual depravity depending on your 'sexual prowess' with the finger up the ass-thing… but if you do really well, believe it or not, the machine will give you a trophy in the form of a pile of feces.

I have no idea how you proudly display that.

A real game? Yes. It did make it's debut at the 2000 Tokyo Game Show. Do you see that photo at the very top Those are the video game's mascots at the show. No Sh!t. Or Sh!t... I guess it depends on your point of view.

"Seriously, Honda-san… playing this pile of feces could be the break you are looking for. Do this and you could soon be cast in a Japanese samurai television program as horse poop."Check out the Flyer advertising the game: "Have A Fun!!! Enjoy" Man… these Koreans sure made it sound like it's a Japanese game.

And… in case you are wondering… Pokemon has nothing to do with this blog, even though it sure sounds like it.

Andrew Joseph


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