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Saturday, August 24, 2013

How To Really Date Japanese Women

This is not a how-to blog… if you are looking for that, I had previously written an article on How To Date Japanese Women - see HERE, and it's been one the most popular read on Japan—It's A Wonderful Rife, with over 54,600 hits, as of this writing.That's pretty damn good! Thanks!

It has some good data on what it is that Japanese women are like, and what they want - and I think I did a damn fine job on it.

I talked about how Japanese women are like every other woman around the world in that they want romance, though there are some idiosyncrasies that are uniquely Japanese… again… that was previously covered.

But I may have left off a few things.

Now… this blog…this one right here... it's an overview of my dating advice…

First a disclaimer. Often enough, I have received questions from readers—specific questions posed to me—asking "what should I do?"

First off… I'm not an expert on dating. I'm an expert on MY dating.

I am not telling you what to do… I can offer advice, but by no means is it going to be perfect advice because although you may be thinking you are telling me everything about your would-be dating scenario, you aren't. It takes two to tango (three to form a Conga line, but only one to do the Twist.)

That means I'm only getting one side of the argument (yours). And, like you, I have no idea what your would-be Japanese date is thinking at any given moment.
Man... bottom-boob is sexy!!!

Secondly… it has been 20 years since I was last in Japan, but the following advice is generic enough, that it will hold true.

Also… please note that 20 years ago I was a lot better looking than I am now, but even then I wasn't Brad Pitt. I was okay-looking. In okay shape. But then, as now, I possessed a wicked sense of humor, above-average intelligence that can respond to any situation quickly, and always wore a smile on my face.

Granted… when I left Japan I began working out six times a week at the gym, kept my body weight, dropped a couple of inches off my waist and added 12 to my chest. I never had a six-pack, but I could sure drink one.

Now while I end up sleeping with more women over the next six years than I did in three years in Japan, I did far better in sex per calendar year in Nippon.

And yet, my face still looked the same….. but I slept with more women - above my standing - than I had any right of achieving.


1) Confidence. This is something you will require when you want to ask out anyone. Having too much swagger will make you look like a goof, and while some women don't mind that for a one-night stand, clearly that crap won't win out when you are looking for real dating… hoping to have it lead to something more.

You have to ask her out.

Regular readers know that until I went to Japan about to turn 26, I still hadn't slept with a woman. No big deal. But... to me it was a big deal because you start wondering what's wrong with yourself.

Truth is… I was shy. At least around women. So I became their friend first hoping they would see the wonders that are Andrew and then realize that yes, he is the guy I am after.

That doesn't work.

While you should indeed be a friend to your girlfriend, under no circumstances should you attempt to only be her friend first, and then try and change the arrangement to boyfriend/girlfriend status.

I have been friends to too many women I have wanted to screw into orgasmic bliss, and being friends, none wanted to cross that line with me (though it can happen - just not to me).

So… arriving in Japan, I had just begun to come out of my shell… Back in Toronto, I had been friend-dating three beautiful women any guy would love to have on their arms: a freckly green-eyed redhead, blue-eyed blonde and a brown-eyed brunette. And I was 'dating' them all at the same time.

Friends. Men can not really be true friends with a woman because they always want to screw their brains out. Mmmmmm… intelligence.

So… in the process of re-inventing myself, I became less afraid of failure. That's where JET came in. Getting hired to teach English in Japan was a kick in the ass to me. It made me realize that I was important. Getting hired by the Toronto Star newspaper did that too.

Having a hot chick like Kristine chat me up (in a non-sexual way, mind you - I never got to sleep with her, though she told me a couple of years ago, she would have if the opportunity had presented itself) on my first night in Japan gave me confidence that maybe women did like me…

Having Ashley pick me up on the second night in Japan made me realize I was a guy a woman might like for sex.

And let me tell you… thanks to Kristine and Ashley… after three months in Japan, I had already slept with three women… the other two were only after Ashley broke up with me - before getting back with me.

Now… despite oozing confidence… I never actually asked anyone out. In every instance but one (my later fiance), about 50 women in Japan asked me out. Thirty that I slept with anyway.

Confidence? My confidence was so well controlled that I had women asking me out.

Why? I like to think it's because I am a touchy-feeling kind of guy. I seem to be the type of guy who will touch a person's shoulder or pat them on the back - to a man in a non-sexual way, to a woman (anyway I do that is going to be in a sexual way) - but in just the perfect amount of pressure and length of time to not have it be creepy, but to have it either be friendly or seductive.

I can't teach that. I didn't learn it… except maybe I did… I don't know. It's the ability to read people… and all told, 95% of the time I can. Especially face-to-face. Social media? No way. People lie and BS all the time. Check out how many times a person writes "LOL" (Laughing out loud)… now ask yourself when was the last time you heard someone actually laugh out loud? According to social media, people are much happier than they are in real life.

So… let's see… confidence, without being a prick.

Smiling… but not with teeth showing… unless…

Eye-contact… something brief and flirty and not staring. Eyes are the window to the soul… I saw that with C… Noboko when I first caught sight of her… and immediately went over to say hello… got rebuffed, but had the confidence or stupidity to write a Japanese woman a Japanese haiku (poem) in English.

I had the confidence and stupidity to then not be put off by her handing it back to me saying "Hmmf. That's nice…." before telling her that "No… I wrote it for you" before sliding it back towards her, smiling, bowing and walking away without a second glance.

That, my friends, is confidence spelled "B-A-L-L-S".
Does she scare you? She shouldn't.

Confidence is being rebuffed by a woman's non-exuberance, and still thinking you have a shot if you can only get her to see the real you (which in my case was a really nice guy who was good at sex).

Now… remember what I said about two sides of the story… I had no idea that Noboko thought I was a player… because I looked like one… and had a reputation around Tochigi-ken for stirring up juicy trouble with my penis.

Juicy? Yes. Trouble? Never.

Player? Not really as I was asked out… though I certainly made that process easy after word of mouth and other parts traveled around town. But no… I never used women. I may have been used by Japanese women for sex, and I, them, but no one was under any allusion that there would be a relationship forthcoming.

True enough that we had to like each other first. I had to respect their intelligence… I am proud to say I never had sex with a woman dumber than me. Lack of intelligence - and I'm not talking book smart or school smart or street smart - I'm talking about being conversant in things I find interesting, whether it's some metal music group, Alice In Wonderland, or comic books… or whatever - I have very broad tastes… but they have to be able add to the topic. You can't add, I don't want to multiply.

Where were we?

Confidence. Smiling. Eye-contact.

It helps if the woman you are after also possesses these things. Intelligence too.
She's strong enough to work multiple social media devices!

Anyhow… I tend to like strong women. Not physically… I still want to open up the pickle jar for them… but emotionally strong. This is where it gets tricky. Just like you, women can be emotionally strong one way and emotionally weak another. It's called being human.

The trick is to find the right combination of emotions you can handle, just as the same goes for her.

I dated a psychopath in Japan. More than a few, actually. I'm unsure if that was the type I attracted at that time, or if that was me not knowing enough about people…

Did I really want to be their Red Cap and carry their baggage? We all have baggage. If you don't, your ego is your baggage.

But… if the baggage is so heavy that you can tote that bale, well… you're screwed - in the not so fun way.

In Japan, I've had an S&M stalker, a woman looking for someone to take the place of her dead fiance, serious daddy issues women, chicks with more old-school than new-school attitudes about relationships, depressed women, poor self-worth women… and more that just depress me were I to think about them. And no… they weren't all Japanese women.

If you think getting past the emotional baggage is tricky with someone who speaks your language - try it with a Japanese women who doesn't communicate as well in English and who was brought up in a Japanese society and has a different upbringing dependent on her parents….
The Dove (not soap) Japan girls!

Maybe there's a different trick… no... trick is not the word… maybe not coming off desperate for sex is key.

Women know that you want to screw them. If they don't it's because they have to block that information out of their mind or they would go crazy.

Guys know that they want to screw every woman they see, but they have to block MOST of that out, or they would go crazy, too.

I showed Noboko that I was interested in her. Yeah, I wanted to screw her… but I was also interested in getting to know her.

While I did not use this scenario on Noboko… it did occur with another Japanese woman:

"Would you like to go for a coffee after work?"

You get a yes or no answer… if she says no, but offers an alternative date or time - that's good.

"Mmmmmm, okay," she answered

Now… let's jump to the coffee shop…

After working small talk about how much you like Japan (never talk about the bad things!!!! ya ijit!!!!)...

Me: "So… Keiko… are you married?"

It always helps if you already know the answer to this question and if it matters to you. 

Keiko: "No."

(Now… a smart woman will add, if applicable, "but I do have a boyfriend").

Keiko: "… but I do have a boyfriend."

Me (disappointed): "Oh… that's too bad…"

Keiko: "Why?"


Me: "Because I was hoping we could date or at least have sex."

And then I laughed… because I was serious.

Me: "I'm just kidding…. of course I was hoping you were single so we could date."

Mission accomplished.

What? How is that 'mission accomplished'??!!

Well… Keiko now knows that I am interested in dating her. More than as a friend. And I can make her laugh.

The point is not not looked crushed… and to shrug it off like it's no big deal. That's confidence.

But you know what real confidence is… confidence is then adding the following to the conversation:

Me: "Well, if you ever want to go out, let me know."

And smile and laugh… and continue talking about stuff… not about her boyfriend or sex or about you, but rather about things that are special about your town… which gives you more insight on her.

Anyhow… bottom line… Keiko did call me. She called me up a week later. I did not give her my phone number, but somehow she had it.

There was no boyfriend. It's a fail-safe bullcrap thing all women say to avoid being hit upon… until they determine that they want to be hit upon.

And… if there was a boyfriend… and she broke up with him, or only said she did… well, that's only your concern if he is a black belt in karate - which is always a possibility in Japan.

So… there you have it.
Yes... you can. But maybe ask the Yakuza first.

If you want to date a Japanese women, you need confidence in yourself. The confidence to talk. The confidence to realize you deserve to get what you want. The confidence to walk away if it doesn't work out. Confidence.You have to try. The worst that can happen is you get rebuffed... and it wasn't meant to be.

Don't worry. Your real soul-mate is out there... but you have to get out of your non-confident rut and start looking.

You might also want to move to Japan where there are a lot of Japanese women. Or so I hear.

Andrew Joseph

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