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Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Everything On It Burger

Now this is a burger that might actually fill me up. I said 'might'.

This is a photo I found, and no... don't ask me what I am doing searching Japanese websites I can't read... but that's what I do sometimes...

Anyhow... thanks to some help from my most-excellent bud, Matthew and Google Translate, I have a good idea of just what the hell we are looking at.

Welcome to Lotteria's Zenbu Nose Burger (Everything On It Burger).

Lotteria is a Japanese fastfood restaurant founded in Tokyo, Japan back in 1972. It offers foods similar in fare to McDonald's, though it did invent the shrimp burger, which is not small, but instead offers the real deal sea creature formed into a patty in a bun. (Heck... you can see it in the photo above!)

And, if you are like me and not in Japan at the moment, you can also visit a Lotteria restaurant in Vietnam, Myanmar, South Korea, Taiwan and Indonesia—none of which helps me because I'm in Canada at the moment.

Lotteria is a brand under parent company Lotte Co., Ltd., a multinational food and shopping corporation active in Japan and South Korea. Lotte Co. was first established in June 1948 in Tokyo, by a Japanese businessman of Korean descent, known as Shin Kyuk-Ho in Korean or Takeo Shigemitsu Takeo (重光武雄) (surname first) in Japanese.

Anyhow... with me being a guy who likes to eat when things are not as up as they should be, I'm pretty sure I could eat one of these pretty little Zenbu Nose Burgers and have a side-order of chilli fries with that. And a large chocolate shake. And maybe a pie?

Here's what's cool about the Zenbu Nose Burger...  for a total of ¥1,130 ($11.34), I can build this four-patty monstrosity my way... in fact... I don't have to spend all that money... it could be less if I want fewer ingredients... or more if I want double the meat! Yeah, baby! At least I think you can get more added to it!

In the photo above, you can see a list of special ingredients... and their cost... and you can create a burger that should probably come with a side order of anti-cholesterol medicine. Fortunately, I have my own.

Let's take a look at the ingredients (thanks, again Matthew!):

Left Column (going down):         
Ingredients                Cost
Pickles                      ¥30
Karashi mayo            ¥30
Tartar sauce               ¥30  
Mayonaise                ¥30
Sliced cheese             ¥60
Cheese patty             ¥250
Rib patty                   ¥200
Shrimp patty             ¥120
Beef patty                  ¥80

Right Column 
Ketchup                      ¥0
Teriyaki sauce            ¥30
Cabbage                     ¥50
Lettuce                       ¥50
Bacon                         ¥80
Fried egg                    ¥80

Total                          ¥1,120.

WTF?! Doesn't the poster advertisement above say that it's ¥1,130? Are thy gypping us for an extra ten yen? Or is that for the un-priced, but expected buns? Or for the expected defibrillator? Clear!

Interesting... I would eat everything there, but the cabbage. It would give me gas. Yes... only that would hurt you. Not me. You. 
Anyhow... this is the burger you can build yourself.

Here's what it looks like should you have some one really build one for you at Lotteria!

Like Internet dating, it never looks as good as the photo, does it?

I blame the cabbage... and the person working at Lotteria that came up this burger-concept. Seriously... cabbage on a burger? That's as bad as putting corn on a pizza. No one should do either, Japan! Do you hear me?! Corn bad on pizza! Cabbage bad on burger!

You can use any of the available ingredients - prices are set - and build yourself up a heart-stopping beautiful thing… you don't have to use all the ingredients… two types of mayo? Plain and... 

what the hell is Karashi Mayo?

And where's the relish or mustard? No wasabi… which is fine… but can I add salt and pepper or does that throw off the whole ambiance of a heart attack?

How come the rib patty doesn't come with a rib? What animals are they getting ribless ribmeat from?! Squid? Octopus? Both delicious... but they don't have ribs. I'm confused? I had thought the animal they made McDonald's McRib from was extinct, but they just brought that back! What animal are the cloning? Please let it be an animal...  

Pickles? Japanese pickles? Or the cucumber ones? Both would be fine... but I guess it's the cucumber type. Gherkin, Dill, Polish... that's like in the country, not like what you do to your shoes when you have to go out to a fancy debutante ball or weekly execution... though I suppose you could polish your pickle... just not in public.

Tartar sauce? WTF? That stuff is for fish and for whatever the hell they make fish-sticks out of! And yes, the shrimp in a shrimp patty is seafood… but shrimp have their own red tangy cocktail sauce… you would never use tartar sauce for shrimp unless it was deep fried...But whatt else would the tartar sauce be required for in this burger?

Who came up with the ingredients for this burger? Hitler? Why does he hate proper ingredient's so?

Hitler, by the way, was a vegetarian. He didn't smoke. He didn't drink. Had strange facial hair otherwise best known on such comedians as: Oliver Hardy and Groucho Marx (painted that it was) and Charlie Chaplin. He was into the stars, man… he was a hippie. So, if you don't want to be like Hitler, go have a cow, man.

Anyhow… sliced cheese? Assume it's not anything but processed cheese. What… you want healthy? Why are you reading THIS?

Everything else on the right side of the ingredient's column looks okay by me.

And the patties themselves are probably okay… I have no idea what a cheese patty is, though. A large patty-shaped patty of cheese of no particular cheese.

Gouda! And you? 

Seriously… what type of cheese does one use to create a cheese patty? Is this something people should be allowed to eat? Legally and not as a form of Geneva-Convention-defying-act-of-defiance? By the way, is it okay to have a convention (tradeshow) in Geneva? To have a Geneva Food Convention? It sounds wrong.... like it's contravening something.... yes... definitely wrong...  like... 


Okay… I looked it up… the ingredient Karashi Mayo… well karashi is a type of mustard made from the crushed seeds of Brassica juncea and is often used mixed with mayo as a condiment in Japan. It has a horseradish-mustard flavor to it… so yay! The burger does have mustard on it. Sort of. Of course… I'm a honey mustard kind of guy - sweet.
Brassica juncea

Now, before we finish of this first Zenbu Nose Burger... yes... I'll do the joke... "you can pick your own nose burger ingredients:"... (say it out loudly at medium speed).

Anyhow... Lotte... the company... they also own a Japanese baseball team... since 1971, they have owned the Chiba Lotte Marines.

And penultimately... regarding the company name... Lotte... this is not a Japanese name or even a Korean name (the owner's ancestry)... but it's an English name based on a novel by famed German politician and author Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. (Goethe... like what's going on with my waist.)

That book was called The Sorrows of Young Werther (from 1774), and had a female character named Charlotte that the Lotte company founder found fetching. I named one of my Cocker Spaniel puppies Charlotte, and would have named my daughter that if I had a daughter. All true. And... I only read Charlotte's Web a couple of months ago. I have no idea why I liked that name. I didn't read the Goethe book until I was 11... 

I know it's pretty much just me and a librarian or so, but you have to love a guy who reads... and reads well... and names a US/Cdn $39.5 billion (¥3,931,896,000,000 as of 2011) multinational company after a character in a book.

I didn't do that with this blog, and instead used a movie title... which is why I do not own a multi-billion dollar company. For that reason, and Hitler.

Anyhow… anyone in Japan feel like trying out the burger and, when you get out of the hospital, writing in to tell us how large your stomach got?

Cheers... good reading and good luck eating,
Andrew Joseph

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