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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Don't F@%k Your Robot

First off, who has such a robot that a warning such as the one in the headline is even necessary?

Apparently plenty of people do, which is what prompts such a warning… a warning that should it be ignored could result in… well… the manufacturer wouldn't, couldn't or did not say.

SoftBank is a Japanese mobile phone company that sells a robot named Pepper - that's the cute bugger at the top.

Pepper, who costs around US$1,640, is a humanoid-looking machine built by French robotics company Aldebaran SA - and sold to curious customers since June of 2015, of which the first shipment of 1,000 units being sold out in minutes.

I am unsure if they were bought by 1,000 different humans or by one person assembling a robotic army, in which case one can only hope that each Pepper unit has been pre-programmed with Isaac Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics.  
  1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm;
  2. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law;
  3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
Pepper, according to Aldeberan, "Pepper is much more than a robot, he’s a companion able to communicate with you through the most intuitive interface we know: voice, touch and emotions.

To be a true social companion Pepper needs to be able to understand your emotions. If you burst out laughing, he will know you are in a good mood. If you frown, Pepper will understand that something is bothering you.

Why yes, Ma'am, I suppose one could affix some sort of power drill attachment…
Pepper can translate what state you are in using his knowledge of universal emotions (joy, surprise, anger, doubt and sadness) and his ability to analyze your facial expression, body language and the words you use. He will guess your mood, and will even adapt to it. For example, he will try to cheer you up by playing your favorite song!

Pepper also can express emotions, and this is what makes him so cute! We can say he has a real personality conveyed by his body language, his funny gestures and his voice."

Prior to the public sale, Pepper was seen as a greeter in various SoftBank stores in Japan, but I guess the little fellow became so popular, people wanted one of their own.

I said feller… as in guy… or male.

Sir… it appears as though the wrist band I tied on you is far too tight. Plus I have completed the calculations as requested—we can now build a neutron bomb out of an old push lawnmower and a beer keg—who are both relatives of mine, I should add.
Anyhow… even before some Pepper master got a sadistic glint in his eye (it's always a guy), Softbank made sure to include in its User Agreement that: 

“The policy owner must not perform any sexual act or other indecent behavior.”

Well… now I'm Ro-curious… but I assume the User Agreement meant the owner should have sex with the robot, and not just have it as a blanket statement meaning you shouldn't have sex at all... anyhow... just what sort of things can Pepper do to spice up the sex department?

Is Pepper a pitcher or a catcher? Does it perform oral sex? Does it only have an anus (I'm assuming no vaginal opening because SoftBank has always referred to Pepper as a male)… and why the hell would you create a buttonhole for Pepper?

They didn't… so is it just going to be utilized for its gripping power? Didn't I see something dangerous like that on The Big Bang Theory?

I hope it's not oral… if that gets you off, then really, you don't need to go near a woman ever again.

I, Robot
Says Aldebaran (I thought it was destroyed?): "Engaging and friendly, Pepper is much more than a robot, he’s a companion able to communicate with you through the most intuitive interface we know: voice, touch and emotions.

"Our goal at Aldebaran is to create robots for the well being of humans, kind robots living with humans as a new artificial species.

“It’s not enough to simply have Pepper working at SoftBank stores. The ultimate goal is for Pepper to live with humans, the stores are just the beginning.”

I have been called a freak (still your, freak), but why would you want to screw Pepper? He looks like he would be cold and unemotional - and dammit, there are plenty of people like that out there. I'm not naming names.

So… how would SoftBank even know if you were to play doctor with Pepper (there's a joke there somewhere)?

Are you going to tell? One would hope not. What happens in Pepper stays in Pepper… you really should clean him out properly before he gets all crusty and develops some sort of oily discharge.

Could Pepper tell any one? Uh-oh… better get Macco to help get the dents out of Pepper's cherry.

When Pepper was first introduced: Wow! That is one hot looking robot!!!! A-ooooga! Wait… what… the one on the right? Shazbot.
 Remember… Aldebaran mentioned something about "gestures and voice".

Hmmm… another line in Pepper's User Agreement prohibits using Pepper to send spam e-mail or to inflict harm on human beings.

So that implies that the little bugger (or is that the User) can send out e-mails… can use it send out a cry for help to SoftBank:

"Help! Grape! Grape!"
Sure… if there was a whole bunch of them.

I knew a Pepper in Japan - Trish Pepper… and she was exceedingly fun, attractive, and very White… but Pepper the robot?

I mean, you can dress Pepper up in a French maid's outfit with fishnet stockings, and maybe add a pearl necklace… but he's still not, in my opinion, anything to make one stand up to attention for.

Now… maybe I'm just being naive… because we all know that the next great epidemic is going to come because there's some guy out there right now eyeing a chicken with a heavy degree of lust… so we know that some guys will boink anything.

I'm not one of those guys. Let's get that out there. I like my chicken naked, dead and fried in some sort of seasoned breading and on a plate waiting for me to eat it. Why does everything just sound dirty now? No… I don't need Pepper on it!

Anyhow, there are companies out there that are working on building not only a sex doll, but a robotic sex doll.

Hopefully it won't be too human-like, otherwise it might have a headache for 20 years.

But really… True Companion, for example, is manufacturing a sex bot named Roxxxy (with the Triple X), which one can be sure will look feminine… but sorry… it doesn't look like they are close to having the finished product out any time soon.

Does this whole thing disturb you? You are not alone.

Fearful of men (always men!) seeking to pleasure themselves with some futuristic sex bot, Dr. Kathleen Richardson, a robot ethicist at De Montfort University, in Leicester, England, has launched the Campaign Against Sex Robots. “Sex robots seem to be a growing focus in the robotics industry and the models that they draw on—how they will look, what roles they would play—are very disturbing indeed.

(Wait... there's a robot ethicist? Riiiight... is that like me creating a business card that reads "Ghost Buster"... but whatever yanks your crank...)

She continues: “We think that the creation of such robots will contribute to detrimental relationships between men and women, adults and children, men and men and women and women.”

If one was to design a sex bot, it should look as sexy as possible. While I can not make any positive statements regarding the male version (he/it is far more handsome than me, in my opinion), the female version is smoking, though I doubt she/it still has that new car smell. She has a third boob at the back... for slow dancing.
Dr. Richardson… it doesn't matter if someone builds a sex robot or not. If there is some way for a guy to stick his penis into anything, he will try and fug it.

It could be a vacuum cleaner, a toaster, blender (hmm, plenty of things in the kitchen!) an automobile gas tank, an aquarium filtration system or a knothole in a tree… some guy, some where, will try and have sex with it.

Wouldn't it be better if they had a sex bot?

It would keep them away from human beings—which one would assume to be a good thing.

Wouldn't You Like To Be A Pepper Too?  
I am still unsure why ANYONE needs Pepper for anything.

If its for socializing - why would we subject the poor robot to someone who needs to socialize with it? Should the human be socializing with non-Pinocchio-like humans?

Who purchases Pepper for any other reason that because it sounds like a great idea at the time?

Now what do you do with it? Talk to it? Have him hold the TV remote? Get you a beer from the fridge?

Seriously, Pepper is supposed to be involved in human interactions.... but sex is a human interaction.


What's in it for Pepper? Are we teaching the robot artificial emotions? Are the robot owners part of some great social experiment?

Are we willing to trust such experimental results based on the social interactions of whomever had the fastest computer and internet connection (remember, 1,000 units were sold out like (snap!) that)?
Nerds and geeks may have the uses, but social interaction has always been the weak point.

I'm a nerd… and even a geek… but not completely… I also like sports and music and once I actually touched a real woman's boob while writing this sentence.

I'm actually all for us having robots for personal use…. but kind of like in the Will Smith movie I, Robot… where they are used as helpers (until they become aware) … but admittedly, I have not spent a great deal of time thinking about such things.

When will we have a robot/AI in our homes?

Hell… I'm still awaiting that JetPack they promised us 40 years ago that we'd be using to fly around. 

Regarding Pepper, the Aldebaran website says (with the misspelling): "Peppers loves to talk with humans, he's very curious about us! As you continue to interact with him Pepper will recognize you and learn new things about your tastes. Capable of both adaptation and self-improvement, he will soon be able to search for new applications to surprise and entertain you!"

Search for new applications to surprise and entertain you? Netflix does that.

By the way... the media has made a huge deal about the fact that Japan is in a negative-growth phase... no immigration, aging population, and apparently its youth aren't interested in getting married or even in sex. Not everyone, of course, but a greater number than before.

Obviously sexually assaulting Pepper is not going to help Japan's population non-movement. I've been waiting to use that joke since we started. Get it? Assaulting Pepper? a-Salting Pepper? Anyone? Anyone? Pepper thought it was funny. 

I have no idea if this is actually a factoid, but I recall reading in a copy of Penthouse some 30 years ago, that pepper was one of the main ingredients in Spanish Fly. Ergo, if you wanted better sexual performance - one should consume more pepper.

Anyhow… even if you are part of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, don't use Pepper (caps) to have sex. 
It doesn't just feel like somebody else, it feels like something else.
Somewhere, if you prick me... do I not leak?
Andrew Joseph

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