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Thursday, August 11, 2016

My Toilet Says I Need More Fiber

A Japanese scientist believes that the road to better health lies in examining one’s own poop… er fecal matter… er, rather the bacteria that exist in our gut.

Yamada Takuji (surname first), a biology and statistics professor with his own company Metagen, feels that by examining just what makes our guts tick, the human race can learn enough to provide better bowel movements, cures for diabetes, and even autism.

Holy crap! Really?

We all know that the Japanese are famous for their intricate toilets that can do everything from warm your butt to wipe it—as well as their crude porcelain bowls that jut out from the floor that one is expected to remove articles of clothing and squat over to use… but actually taking a deep look in to our own personal dirty little place?

Well… no… I don’t think we’re talking about a fantastic voyage up the ol poop chute.

Are you sure Rachel Welch doesn’t want to be in the sequel?

Did you know that about 10 years ago in a study… a scientist (not Japanese!) fed poop samples to mice… poop from obese and non-obese humans… the result, beside mice with bad breath?

Mice who were fed poop from obese people developed signs of obesity. Mice who ate low fat poop from no-obese people did not develop signs of obesity, though these mice were also unable to reproduce due to their breath.

I was only kidding about the reproduction thing, but I assume the mice all had horrible, horrible breath, similar to my ex-dog Buster, who used to eat his own poop. I used to give him a Listerine breath strip… which killed harmful bacteria and gave him clinical-smelling breath.

So, what can we learn from that 2006 research? If you are going to eat sh!t, make sure it’s from a skinny person.
I can't effing read Japanese, but this image was taken from the Metagen website, so it must be very important.
Actually, what Yamada has figured out, is that the microbes in our gut that eat our fuel (food) in our stomach could provide us with clues on how to redesign our diet.

Uh… don’t eat crap. I mean crap food. More vegetables and fruits… dairy. Protein… you know… that stuff we’ve been hearing about some weird-a$$ pyramid of food…

Yamada and Metagen are looking for funds to help design and build a super-toilet… one that could use sensors to smell your poop, and then provide you with a medical analysis.

It’s home genetic testing at its most hi-tech.

Anyhow, lest one think that Yamada is full of sh!t, he’s not.

The White House approved US $121 million in funding to research microbiomes… this was back in May of 2016… a few months ago.

So… what should a poop-sniffing toilet have?

Well, an expensive price tag.

Number two, it should have a heated seat. Hee… number two.

From what I understand, people think it should have screen to view the markers of one’s bowel movement. 

Basically, that’s the type of stuff that needs to be figured out…

Right now, Metagen does microbiome analysis lab work using gene sequencing to delve into one’s intestinal flora (microbes - you know those dancing ones in the yogurt commercial - you don’t?) to see how healthy they are to provide an analysis of your health. At least that’s my gut feeling on how the company works now.    

But… imagine the future… imagine sitting on your personal throne, reading Chapter 19 of the latest Hardy Boys where the mastermind criminal is revealed—it’s always someone never before introduced—when your gut starts to rumble, and you evacuate your bowels in the bowl… and the your toilet starts to rattle and hum and begins to take stock of that meal you ate three hours earlier.

As your toilet wipes and blows water and then warn air up your patootie, it begins to spit out a detailed anal-ysis of how healthy your body is.

It says that you eat too much corn, but you are confused because you know you haven’t eaten corn in days—sh!t happens—but really, it spews out an opinion that your diet could be healthier and suggest you eat more fruits and vegetables and consider following that pyramid of food thingamabob that you first heard about when you were six-years-old.

For a look at the number one company in number two, visit the Japanese-language website HERE.

Poop-oop-e-doop, oop
Andrew Joseph

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