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Friday, August 19, 2016

Olympics Help Defy Stereotypes For Japanese

Sometimes stereotypes are correct. Other times, they are simply exaggerations that purport to put someone or something in a negative light.

For example—and this blog is guilty of it as well—the Japanese men are said to have a smaller penis than the average North American—whatever that means, as even that depends on one’s background as differing cultures have differing average penis size, according to compiled global health data.

While these average sizes still are dependent on the consistency of WHERE The measurement commences, not to mention the number of sample sizes taken for the sample size, and even WHICH men agree to be sample sized.

Heck, one country’s survey could simply be the measurement of 100 men, all of whom had an average of seven to eight inches in length. Is that a proper average to describe that country’s male penis size? Is that how you women want to plan a vacation? From half-a$$ed scientific data?


Now… while in Japan, I did sleep with more than my share of women. I don’t know how. I just did. ‘Nuff said.

Now, I never asked a woman how I compared in size to other men, because well, despite being your average Canadian, who the fug wants to have to stack up against her having dated U.S. Men’s basketball team. Never ask a question that could provide you with an answer you don’t want to hear.

Do these pants make me look fat?

If you have to ask that question, then yes. Those pants make you look fat. Don’t ask a man that stupid question. If you THINK you have to ask a man that question, you already know the answer, even though he should smartly lie and tell you “No, those pants don’t make you look fat.” You should know that in his head he is already adding: ““No, those pants don’t make you look fat. (It’s the box of Lindt chocolates you think I don’t see you scarfing down that make you look fat.)”

Anyhow… I might have come across as sexist in that last paragraph, but hells bells, no man is ever going to ask a woman that question. Never. Just on TV. On bad comedies.

So… do the Japanese have small penises? Penisii? What is the plural? Should there be a plural. Uhhhhh.

Not everyone for goodness sake! It’s an average. Someone could have a 20-inch Anaconda, while 19 others have a three-inch King Cobra. And who cares, anyways?

The thing is, Japanese pharmacies sell condoms… a size that will fit the average Japanese man, and I am happy/sorry to say will not fit an average Canadian. I tried, in desperation to use a Japanese condom suggested to me by my friend and pharmacist Mr. Maniwa… but moments after getting it partially on, it snapped off and hit my girlfriend Ashley in the face. Serves her right. But even she laughed. It was the first and only time a woman has laughed at me with my penis at full mast—and, in this case, it was an okay experience.
Using three breaths, I bravely blew up each of the condoms—North American on the left, Japanese on the right—and had Ashley tie them up, because I lack the dexterity to tie a balloon for some reason, and placed them atop my green velour winter jacket (because THAT won't get water-damaged... riiiiiight) draped atop a dining room chair in my apartment in Ohtawara-shi, Tochigi-ken circa early 1991. The empty booze bottles at the back were there when I arrived. Honestly. I kept them to lend ambiance to the place. I don't know when, but they eventually were properly disposed of. Anyhow, re: sizing, the proof was in the pudding. By the way, there was some sort of gel-coating on the western condom, which dried out due to exposure giving it a bit of a crusty look. Still, there was also a color difference... perhaps to make it look more natural... just not for my skin tone. 
So… do all Japanese men have a small penis? Of course not.

For example… take a look at Japanese pole vaulter Ogita Hiroki (surname first) seen in the photo at the very top of this blog. Pole vaulter. Yes... I am aware of the irony. Or is it symbolism? Crap. I know how to use English, I am just unaware of the special names given to such descriptive grammatical devices. 

Now, as you can see, his Olympic short-shorts leave little to the imagination. Really. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

As he attempted to clear 5.3 meters (which isn't that high in the current annals of the sport), his leg touched the bar on the way down—but the bar stayed—but then as he traveled farther down past it, his penis hit it, knocking the bar off its perch.

Japanese pole vaulter undone by his large penis.

I can’t make this stuff up.

So… one misstep for Olympic Gold, one giant leap for Japanese mankind. And then there was that spread-eagle landing.

Yes... a space analogy.

Andrew Joseph

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