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Thursday, May 18, 2017

8 Simple Rules

Ohio... I am Kikuchi-san, and I have a beautiful daughter.

If you want to date her and date her more than once before you ask me if you can marry her, here are 8 simple rules.

1)  Be Japanese. I don’t mean with just your mannerisms or style of dress or language abilities, I mean be Japanese. It doesn’t hurt if you are not Japanese, but it would be preferred if you were. Okay, who’s kidding whom. It hurts.
Now I know that not all us Japanese men are created this way… there are many who welcome whomever their daughter has decided to sleep with right into the family. I don’t know what is wrong with them.
If you want to date my daughter, you should be Japanese.

2) We should meet as soon as you ask her out. You don’t only have to impress her, you have to impress her mother and I. Just kidding. You only have to impress me. I don’t want my daughter embarrassing me by going out with some dolt. This is important. People talk and I have a reputation to uphold at work, especially if I am to progress further up the food chain.

3) Impress me. Yeah, yeah, yeah - impress my daughter if you must, but just know that you aren’t getting to that next step if you don’t impress me. The best way is via an introduction present.
It doesn’t matter what you get her - that’s up to you… I leave that particular nugget for you to either sink or swim (I hope it’s sink!). You need to get me an introduction present. It should be whiskey. And none of that cheap stuff or the small bottle.
O-sake? It is part of our Japanese culture, but real respect is shown via a bottle of whiskey. Do not expect me to crack it open when you are there. Perhaps I will the moment you leave on your date with her—if I tell her it’s okay. Just kidding! You can take her out… we’ll see if I allow a second time.

4) You have driven a car to pick her up? It better not be one of those cars I saw in the best The Fast & The Furious movie I ever saw. I only ever saw the Tokyo Drift, of course. You know it is actually faster to brake properly and drive normally than to drift, right? Bakayaro! (stupid idiot) I know that’s true. I saw it on Mythbusters!

5) My daughter has a curfew. You will respect my curfew. Look at that… in the time it has taken me to get this far, it is already past her curfew. You can start again next week.

(MUCH screaming and yelling from the dateable daughter.)

Apparently that was a jodan (joke). Her curfew is 9PM.

(MUCH screaming and yelling from the dateable daughter.)


(MUCH screaming and yelling from the dateable daughter.)

11PM, and that's not just because it is a school night.

(MUCH screaming and yelling from the dateable daughter.)

Apparently she is no longer in school. Okaaaaaaa-san (Maaaaaaather)! When did Noboko quit school?


She graduated?


High school and university?


She’s a teacher now? Sugoi! (wonderful) Just like her proud papa!


An English teacher?! Oh that a Japanese man could sink so low… 10PM! And that’s that! English teacher…

6) No taking her for drinks. I don’t care how old she is. You are not getting my daughter drunk so you can take advantage of her!

7) No slipping away to a love hotel. I know that today’s youth aren’t as interested in sex, but


What do you mean they get that from their absentee fathers? Oh….

… it doesn’t matter. No love hotels. I remember when I was young and my parents forbade any of us from having pre-maritial sex. I used to go to the 5-5-5 (the Go-Go-Go… really) love hotel all the time.


Yes, I’m sure it was with you…

Anyhow, that all stopped when I found out my father was using the same place for his dates with his girlfriend. I told my mother and she just told me to go somewhere else. Anyhow, the point is, it was okay to cheat on your wife or to have pre-maritial sex—as long as you didn’t get caught or your parent’s didn’t find out you.

(MUCH screaming and yelling from the dateable daughter.)

No! That doesn’t mean you should avoid getting caught!

(MUCH screaming and yelling from the dateable daughter.)

No! It just means you don’t go to the love hotel… I have my eye on you, boy.

8) You will pay for my daughter’s meal and not expect anything in return—not even a good night kiss.

(MUCH screaming and yelling from the dateable daughter.)

Unless she says it’s okay.

(MUCH screaming and yelling from the dateable daughter.)

Why would you want to kiss him first?

(MUCH screaming and yelling from the dateable daughter.)

Okay, okay… that's the end of the list. I'm sure I can come up with more if you want.

At least you aren’t a gaijin. I remember this awful year Noboko was dating an outsider. Sure, he was a nice enough guy for someone who was repeatedly defiling my daughter. I just know he was, because that’s what all foreigners do to Japanese women. That’s why they want to date them.

He dressed well… even wore a tie when he came over. He brought me a big bottle of Canadian whiskey, too. All very smart.

But he screwed up. Yes, that whole gaijin thing for one.

It began when he brought Noboko flowers - a nice mixed bouquet… probably from Iseya department store. They were expensive, so that’s okay… no, the real problem was when he also brought my wife a bouquet of flowers.

Bakayaro! My wife loved them.

I know he was either trying to be polite or he was trying to pave a way to my daughter’s vagina by soft-soaping her mother.

Oh! It was horrible. As soon as they left in her car (the man should always drive. I don’t care that he only had a bicycle! Don’t date my daughter then!)...

Where was I? … Oh yes… as soon as they left on their date where I’m sure he forced her to do such awful things... 

Oh! Why didn’t I stop them?!


Yes, dear.  Anyhow… when they left, my wife began to go on about how beautiful those flowers were, and how handsome An-do-ryu sensei was with his stupid daijobu-da ponytail, and then… the kick in the balls… "how come you never bought me flowers?" routine.

As Buddha is my witness… there is no way that bastard is going to date my daughter again. I will do whatever it takes to make sure he never becomes a part of this family....


Hmm... that's right... it's past tense. I did. 
Never embarrass the father! That’s part of #2! If you are embarrassing me, you aren’t impressing me!

Oh… and he was a gaijin, too! And they say that this was their first date… but I could see the tell-tale ring of a pack of condoms in his pocket… three of them!!! Konoyaro! (You, you guy, you!)

Oh my buddha! He broke every single one of my eight rules.


I don’t care that he never took her to a love hotel! I know who An-do-ryu sensei is! Every father in Tochigi-ken knows who he is!

I know he has a huge


Probably… I mean urasai (shut-up)! I mean he has a large apartment!… three bedrooms!

(SFX: sucking of air through the teeth!)

And three condoms… oh my buddha…

I need a drink.

Good thing I still have some of that whiskey that gaijin brought over years ago. He was a nice guy… just not the right kind of nice guy.

Would it have killed him to have learned some #$◊%@!!§ Japanese?!


PS: Thank-you Kikuchi-san. I wish you had told me all of these rules when I was dating Noboko.  I would not have brought your wife flowers... still, it doesn't matter... that whole non-gaijin rule really sucks.
You know... my buddy Matthew...
It doesn't matter. One word of advice old man: Never piss off a writer.
Yes, I am a writer. No... that's not true. I am. Blogging is so writing.
I do agree that Tokyo Drift was the best of the movies, and yes, I saw that Mythbusters, too.


  1. Chuckle! What? You were two-timing Junko?

    1. If I did things on the sly, Junko would have either killed me if I did that, or Noboko... however, if I told her what I was doing, she would have suggested a FFM. She was like that... Pity I was too afraid to find out... and besides, Junko was about a year before Noboko.