Search This Blog & Get A Rife

Showing posts with label Japanese Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Japanese Joke. Show all posts

Friday, October 26, 2018

A Japanese Joke - A Big Fan

When I was about 10 years old, my parents bought me a book called 10,000 Jokes, Toasts And Stories... an encyclopedia of humor.

Not including the index, the hardcover book from Doubleday & Company, Inc. comes in at 1,007 pages, and actually features 10,065 bon mots... jokes, witty stories, and a whole lotta clunkers that went over my head as a 10-year-old, and owing the date of origin on the jokes, goes over my head a fair bit today.

Still... there are some good jokes/scenarios that could be used by playwright to pad a scene or two. 

The book was compiled and published in 1939 and then 1940 by Lewis & Faye Copeland... and then published again in 1965 by Doubleday. If it was re-released again, there's no other date on it.

For those of you who know me, there's no way I was 10 in 1965, so I can only assume this encyclopedia of jokes et al sat on a bookstore's shelf for quite a few more years after it was re-published.

Anyhow... needing a topic for today, and feeling lazy as I do every once in a while, I thought I would look up Japan/Japanese in the index to see if I could find a joke for you.

But the index showed nothing for Japan/Japanese. 

On a whim, I flipped through the book until I found the "Races and Nations" chapter, and then flipped through to the "Other Nations" sub-section.

And there... there were two jokes.

The longer one was just so racist and stupid that I can't believe anyone thought it was good enough for a joke book - all it was, was "an essay by a Japanese schoolboy", and merely printed out bad spelling and writing of a Japanese person trying to write in English. No one talks or writes like that.... so I'll not bother you with it.

Instead, allow me to present the other joke... which isn't racist and I suppose holds up quite well for a 79-year-old + joke. I added the bracketed word. 

The joke in case you happen to have a copy of the book, is joke #7,289.



One Japanese bragged to another that he made a (folding) fan last twenty years by opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the next section, and so on. 

The other Japanese registered scorn.

"Wasteful! he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless. Then I wave my head."

Ba-dum-bum.

The joke could have substituted Spanish women for Japanese men, I suppose, but aside from the clipped language used in the joke to make it sound "foreign", the idea is that either someone thinks the Japanese are frugal/cheap or that 50% of them are stupid.

It was 1939. 

But it's a joke. It's still kindda funny.

Banzai,
Andrew "The Ambulance Stopped With A Jerk And I Got Out" Joseph
PS: That's NOT my book in the photo at the top, but one I spotted for sale on Amazon.

Thursday, July 12, 2018

A Japanese Riddle

I have a whole bunch of jokes created at the Japanese people's expense... and while I think they are funny - because every joke usually picks on someone or something people care about - I have decided to shelve them.

But what I do have, is an English written version of a Japanese riddle. It's non-offensive, though I suppose someone might find something offensive about it.

Here we go:

A Japanese ship sinks in the waters off Tokyo Bay. There is only one lifeboat. How many people are saved?

Nine people.

The explanation: In the Japanese language, the word for lifeboat is "kyuu-mei".
It is also Japanese for "nine people". 

See... fun. Unless you know someone in that ship that sank... or hate lifeboats.

Banzai,
Andrew Joseph

Saturday, October 14, 2017

A Japanese Joke - Japanese Sex

A Japanese couple is having an argument about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Shouting Husband: “Sukitaki, Mojitaka desu!”
Shouting Wife: "Iie! Kowanini no Janku-wa desu!”

The husband replies angrily: Toka-aru! Anjo rodii roumi yakuo desu yo!”

The wife is on her knees now, literally begging: “Mimi nakanu jinga desu. Tinkoiji!”

The husband continues his angry shouting: “Kono-na miaou kina Tinkoiji!”

Get it?!

Can you believe you just sat there reading this Japanese joke… hoping you aren’t missing something in the translation… but wait… there is no translation! It's non-nonsensical!

Should I be concerned about all you horn-dogs out there? It’s like you’ll read anything as long as it’s about sex.

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha,
Andrew "like a gaijin in a kimono, the words are pretty much made up to look like real Japanese" Joseph
PS: That's me on the left, and Melissa on the right. We were never a Japanese couple or even a couple.... probably because I was a messy drinker, as evidenced by what I hope is beadlets of beer, and not sweat... though that would have been a reason, too. That and she had more sense than most. Strangely enough, after this photo taken very early in my arrival in Japan in 1990, Melisa never seemed to be alone in a room with me ever. LOL!

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Stevie Wonder In Japan - A Japanese Joke

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo.

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. Stevie, in a bid to break the ice with his new audience, asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice:

"Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E-minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts:

"No! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

A bit peeved by this, Stevie - being the professional that he is - dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man then jumps up again:

"No! Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Well and truly ticked off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage.

"Uh, hey, man... how about you get up here and do it?!"

To his amazement, the little old man climbs up onto the stage and grabs the microphone out of Stevie's hands. Or at least we assume he is amazed... those sunglasses are dark!

As the crowd falls silent, the little old man clears his throat and belts out:

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you!"


I make no apologies for this joke, except I am sorry to say I didn't write it.

Kanpai,
Andrew Joseph

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Japanese Emoticon Joke

Samurai on a toilet:


(o_o)

(o_0)  

(0_0)

(^_^)

The End

Kanpai,
Andrew Joseph

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

A Japanese Joke - Sort Of

This is barely a Japanese-related joke, but what the hell, this was how it was sent to me, so this is how I'll present it:
Two good ol' boys in Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.

After a while the first guy says to the second: "If I was to sneak over to your house Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says: "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
So... I decided to check the accuracy of the joke—never a good thing, but it is accurate that it would make them even. 

However, there is NO Nissan automotive plant in Alabama. There's one in Tennessee, and one in nearby Mississippi, but not in Alabama. 

Since the joke makes reference to a Japanese automobile manufacturer, let's just see what IS in Alabama: 

Honda is.

At Honda Manufacturing of Alabama LLC, located in Lincoln, Alabama, it produces the Honda Odyssey, Honda Pilot, and Acura MDX for North American sales. 

You can't believe everything you read on the Internet - uh... except this blog, of course.

Kanpai,
Andrew Joseph

Friday, January 30, 2015

Japan - What's In A Name?

It's 1941, and the two kimono-clad women in this funny, but anti-British photo are having a laugh at the expense of British prime minister Winston Churchill, having this gag photo taken supposedly at a party in Tokyo.

Winston's initials are W.C., which throughout Europe and Asia (including Japan) means "Water Closet" - the toilet room - imply that Winston Churchill stinks like a used toilet.

Though the photo is from 1941, it is unclear as to whether or not it was taken after of before its official declaration of war on December 7, 1941.

All the websites I have seen with this photo always claim that these women are geisha. That shows a decided amount of ignorance.

Just because a Japanese woman is wearing a kimono does not qualify them to be referred to as geisha. Want to know what geisha are? Read THIS.

Kimono are just like sari's in India. It's the national costume, if you will.

The two women in the photo hardly look the part of a high-society honest to gosh geisha. Where is the white face make-up? The specialized lipstick? I could go on.

Back in the early days of my time in Japan, the Japanese students did have some fun with me when I mentioned a couple of names, such as my brother Ben (which means excrement in Japanese), and friend Connie (which sounds like kani, which is the Japanese word for crab).

I had a couple of classes in stitches when I mentioned those names. I still laugh thinking about the kids making pincers with their hands and snapping them at me.

W.C. is funny, too.

Being from Canada, I wasn't 100% sure what exactly a water closet was, but on many a day, I just had to find out.

If I could have held my nose and used it, I would have. It wasn't my finest hour.

Below, via YouTube, is my all-time favorite television commercial from 1974. I used to do all the voices, what's it look like?

The British Bulldog with the Churchill voice is magnificent.

For the record, I can still do the voices, and STILL have it memorized.

I guess advertising works. Oh... and it did taste better than the old version.

Kanpai
Andrew Joseph

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Kamikaze Training - A Japanese Joke

Because not everyone likes soccer, I thought I'd try and spice up your day with some jokes and riddles and funny stuff.

I'm not sure if the following joke is insensitive or not, but what the heck... I'm sure there are no successful such pilots still around to complain:

Q: What did the Japanese kamikaze pilot say to his students?

A: Watch closely now, I'm only going to show you once...

And for those of you who like soccer - that Netherlands/Spain game was awesome - unless you are a Spain fan.

Japan plays tonight in a few hours against the Ivory Coast.

Cheers,
Andrew Joseph

Friday, June 13, 2014

A Japanese Joke - The Time Of The Samurai

First off... the headline does not mean I am calling the age of the samurai a joke, rather that this is a joke taking place in an era I call: The Time of the Samurai.

Preamble before the joke...

Because I understand not everyone in the world cares to watch soccer, and that life does indeed go on when sporting events such as the 2014 FIFA World Cup are taking place, let's see is we can have a few laughs with some funny stuff over the next few weeks.

I have to work, and when I get home there's either baseball or soccer games to coach for my son—and since he's not part of the community soccer this year, he's made it abundantly clear that I have to make it up to him by doing more with him when I am around.

I don't mind that—as long as it doesn't involve me watching him play Minecraft on the vid system. When the hell did it become cool for kids privy to the most awesome video game graphics to want to play a NEW game that looks, sounds and feels like something out of 1983 with its Pablo Picasso cubist graphics?!

Anyhow... as far as what I'll be doing here... creating some extra laughs... that might mean some amusing jokes, riddles, weirdly amusing stories, or just some cool stuff found by you that you think I might enjoy sharing.

Having said that, let's take a look at an amusing story I once heard, that comes under the category of joke. I have re-written it to provide better structure:

It was the Time of the Samurai, which if you know anything about Japanese history, is kind of a vague time period, as samurai—Japanese warriors with superb skill with the sword et al—have been abundant since 1185-1868 (officially).

Right... the joke. Okay...

It was was the time of the samurai...

The Japanese Emperor, always a wise and powerful man, wanted to find a new head samurai to lead his armies and so sent out a declaration throughout the country saying any interested individual should come to the palace on November 8, some five months away.

At the appointed date, as the sun slowly rose in the east—though no one saw it thanks to the perpetual cloud cover hanging over the capital that year—three samurai warriors sat in seiza (formal sitting posture), patiently awaiting their summons for their job interview.

The Emperor bade his servants to call forth the first samurai to come and demonstrate just why he should be the new head samurai under the Emperor.

Bowing deeply, the samurai opens a small wooden box, releasing a common housefly—tiny, even by housefly standards.

WHOOSH! goes the samurai's katana sword as it slices through the air.

The fly drops dead, cleaved upon the ground in two equal pieces.

The Emperor peers closely at the carnage and exclaims: "That is very impressive!"

The Emperor bade his servants to call forth the second samurai to come and demonstrate just why he should be the new head samurai under the Emperor.

Bowing deeply, the second samurai opens a small wooden box of his own, releasing another common housefly—equally as tiny as the previous.

WHOOSH! WHOOSH! goes the samurai's katana sword, as it slices through the air twice.

The fly drops dead, cleaved upon the ground in four equal quarters.

The Emperor peers closely at the carnage and exclaims: "That is truly very impressive!"

The Emperor bade his servants to call forth the third samurai to come and demonstrate just why he should be the new head samurai under the Emperor.

Bowing deeply, the third samurai opens his own small wooden box, releasing yet another common housefly—the same size as the other two.

WHOOSSHH! WHOOSSHH! WHOOSSHH! WHOOSSHH! goes the samurai's katana sword too quickly for the eye to see.

A gust of wind catches the folds of the Emperor's yukata robe...

... but the fly is still alive, buzzing around the head of the annoyed Emperor.

The Emperor, obviously disappointed after witnessing the exploits of the other two candidates, asks the third samurai: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

With an unblinking eye, the third samurai snatches the fly from the air waits a moment until the fly settles, and then opens his hand as he bows deeply from the waist—holding the position.

The third samurai says, "If your Majesty will look closely, he will see that the fly has now been circumcised."

Oy vey!
Andrew Joseph

Thursday, May 1, 2014

A Japanese Joke - Unfortunately

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

As for the photo? I just made the joke funny... because she's NOT closing her mouth... did I have to explain it?

Anyhow... it's all just a joke. Scientists have not created such a camera.

And besides... Japanese scientists? Why would they create such a camera? Japanese men are never home - always working late, drinking with co-workers and playing pachinko, or screwing around with their mistress. The mistress doesn't make with the yaketty-yak.

The joke seems funny to me because, well... I'm just having one of those days when the camera might have come in handy.

Andrew Joseph

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Japanese Know-it-all - A Joke

Here's a joke sent to me this morning… I've changed the 'original' ending to make it more understandable to more people. I'll also offer an explanation at the end, just in case… and then you can have a laugh, one way or the other.

Let's begin in a typical Canadian school in the City of Toronto… oh… let's say Grade 9.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs."
"Who said that? I want to know right now!" she angrily demanded.
Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?"
Again, Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little bastich! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."
That's when the teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh nuts!! We're screwed!"
Akio said quietly, "The City of Toronto, if Rob Ford gets re-elected as mayor."
Akio should get out of the hospital in a couple of days.

Bwa-ha-ha-ha!
If it's not that funny to you, insert your favorite crappy politician in as the punchline. I chose Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford because he's been in the news - globally - for almost the entire past year owing to his admitting smoking crack cocaine with some disreputable city voters of the gang-banger variety while being secretly video recorded after denying he did such a thing for months (the video was up for public sale at one time) , public intoxication a few times, drunk and raving about killing someone while being secretly video recorded, using racial slurs, possible misuse of funds to finance a high school football team he coaches in his spare time, his commenting about his innocence of cheating on his wife by implying he enjoys performing cunnilingus on his wife, so why would he stray, associating with drug dealers, denying he knows the drug dealer and then admitting he does as a friend only and not as a business associate, appearances on American TV talk shows and newscasts.... and far too many incidents to list. He has had his mayoral powers stripped from him meaning he's a figurehead Mayor without any real power. Allegedly.

I will say that I have met Mayor Rob Ford in a professional capacity and I found him to be quite approachable, engaging and personable. I've also seen him walking about the soccer pitches where I coached last summer dressed in a suit and tie in the height of the Toronto summer shaking hands and talking to people and having his picture taken with smiles all around.

That said, he's running again for the office of Mayor of Toronto and is one of the front-runners.

And Japan thinks it has political problems... at least they have Akio.

Cheers,
Andrew Joseph